Podbit · The Shawn Ryan Show
Trauma is not caused by what happened — it is caused by the gap between what happened and what you desired. Change the object of desire, or recognise that desire itself is a limitless phenomenon misdirected at finite objects, and the grip of trauma begins to loosen. Fix the chemistry, and there is no such thing as trauma.
Olivia couldn't eat in front of anyone for her entire teenage life. Then Love Island gave her no choice. Week by week she pushed through the terror of putting food on her own plate until it simply stopped being a thing — and a disorder that defined her youth just vanished.
Something shifted in year seven and Olivia was suddenly gripped by an overwhelming shame around being seen eating. She wouldn't queue for food, wouldn't put a fork to her mouth in public, and went full school days hungry rather than let anyone watch her eat. This lasted her entire teenage years.
Olivia first self-harmed at around 14, overwhelmed by emotions she had no tools to process. What she hadn't told anyone is that it returned in her late 20s — in the middle of new motherhood, post-traumatic birth, and postnatal depression. The shame kept her silent for years.
When Alex found out about Olivia's self-harm relapse after postnatal depression, he didn't shout. He just held her. That silence and that hug became her turning point — the moment she realised this had to stop and they both needed therapy immediately.
Olivia discovered she was carrying twins at her second pregnancy scan. By nine weeks, one baby had no heartbeat — but unlike a miscarriage, there was no bleeding, no pain. The baby simply stayed inside until 19 weeks and then vanished. She calls it her sunset baby. Sienna is her sunrise.
After Abel's traumatic 38-hour labour and forceps birth, Olivia spiralled. She became obsessed with baby-tracking apps, dreaded being called 'mum', stopped getting out of bed, and eventually the self-harm she thought was behind her returned. Alex was struggling too — and for the first time, neither of them could hold the other up.
Almost a third of 17–24 year olds have self-harmed. Among young people with a mental health condition, that rises to nearly 70%. UK incidents have tripled since 2000. And 83% do it to regulate painful emotions — not for attention. Olivia's reaction: an epiphany, because she had felt utterly alone for years.
When Olivia spoke about vanishing twin syndrome on Loose Women, thousands of women messaged her saying they had never felt so seen. One woman, aged 65, came up to her after the show and revealed she had experienced it 40 years ago and never even known it had a name until that moment.
When Mercedes Hesselroth snapped back at her grandfather's self-deprecation with 'Well, if you're a fish, I'm a cow,' he couldn't hear her. So she had to say it louder. And louder. Each repetition drove the insult deeper. It was the first time her chronic inner self-abuse had come out of her mouth.
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