Quote · Reimagining Love with Dr. Alexandra Solomon
"I'm Thinking About Getting Back Together With My Ex." (Part One)
Where this was said
Question 3: To What Degree Have You Grieved the Loss?
At 29:15 · chapter starts 25:00
Grief is not a problem to be solved but a weight to be carried with increasing grace — and it must be carried before, not inside, a reconciliation attempt. Dr. Solomon identifies two specific dangers of skipping grief: you might be rekindling to avoid your own grief, or to rescue your ex from theirs, and either dynamic imports avoidance motivation into the relationship's foundation. [1] — Dr. Alexandra Solomon "Skipping grief doesn't eliminate it — it just re-routes it. Unprocessed grief from a breakup will travel directly into version 2.0 and resu…" 25:00 She goes further: grief is synergistic, activating all prior losses chained together in the psyche, which is part of why breakups can feel catastrophically large relative to their apparent cause. The section's most original move is 'ghostbusting' — encouraging listeners to identify the specific texture of their breakup pain (feeling replaceable? unseen? out of control?) and trace it back to its earliest echo, tending to that younger self so the most resourced, present adult can show up for the work of reconciliation.
Skipping grief doesn't eliminate it — it just re-routes it. Unprocessed grief from a breakup will travel directly into version 2.0 and resurface as anxiety, hypervigilance, or emotional flatness. You have to fully grieve the loss before you can show up whole for the reunion.
If you haven't grieved the end of the relationship, unprocessed grief will travel into version 2.0 and surface as anxiety, hypervigilance, irritability, or emotional flatness.
Grieving one relationship activates grief from all prior losses; Dr. Solomon describes losses as 'chained together' inside the psyche, which is part of why breakups feel so overwhelming.
Losses are chained together in the psyche. The specific texture of your breakup pain — feeling replaceable, feeling out of control, feeling unseen — almost certainly echoes an older wound. Ghostbusting means tracing that pain back to its origin, tending to your younger self, and returning to the present as your most whole, adult self.
Dr. Solomon introduces 'ghostbusting' — tracing present breakup pain back to earlier wounds from childhood — as a self-reflection technique for ensuring you bring your most whole self to reconciliation.
