Quote · Reimagining Love with Dr. Alexandra Solomon
"I'm Thinking About Getting Back Together With My Ex." (Part One)
Where this was said
Question 5: What Behaviors Are You Committed to Not Repeating?
At 35:18 · chapter starts 34:20
The definition of insanity — doing the same thing and expecting different results — is the frame, but Dr. Solomon's real move here is subtler and more effective. Instead of asking what will be different (which invites people to list their ex's shortcomings), she asks what you are committed to stopping. [1] — Dr. Alexandra Solomon "When people think about what will be different this time, they almost always default to listing what their ex needs to change. Dr. Solomon …" 34:20 That reframe keeps the focus firmly on the one person each partner can actually control: themselves. The section emphasizes that this is about feeling your own power and agency, not accepting blame — and that when both partners do this work simultaneously, the relational dance itself changes, because both people are shifting their steps.
When people think about what will be different this time, they almost always default to listing what their ex needs to change. Dr. Solomon closes that exit door: the only behaviors you can control are your own. Naming what you're committed to stopping — not what your ex should stop — is where real change starts.
Instead of asking 'what will be different?' Dr. Solomon asks 'what behaviors are you committed to not repeating?' to prevent listeners from focusing on what their ex needs to change rather than themselves.
Nature abhors a vacuum. Naming what you'll stop doing is not enough — you need to name what you'll do instead, at a daily, weekly, and monthly level. Whether it's raising concerns at a level 1 rather than a level 10, getting enough sleep, or staying on medication, specific commitments are what bridge intention and change.
