Quote · The Mel Robbins Podcast
You’re Not Broken: Why You People-Please, Feel Anxious, & Never Feel Good Enough – and How to Heal
Where this was said
Pathological Hope and Forgiveness: When to Stop Wishing
At 1:09:15 · chapter starts 1:02:50
Kelly reads aloud one of the book's defining passages: daughters of compromised mothers cling to hope. It is a pathological fantasy, she explains, not because hope is bad, but because decades of contrary evidence don't diminish it. Every woman who has ever tried one more approach, one more conversation, one more gift — hoping this time her mother will finally see and accept her — understands this intuitively. [1] — Kelly McDaniel "Hope is wired into us, but it becomes pathological when decades of evidence that something isn't working doesn't stop us from trying one mo…" 1:04:20 The invitation Kelly offers is disarmingly simple: relax, quit trying, see what happens. Redirect the energy you've been pouring outward toward yourself — because that energy is exactly what you need. Mel then shares what she describes as her favourite definition of forgiveness, attributed to Oprah Winfrey: true forgiveness is when you stop wishing things were different. That framing, Kelly agrees, is the cleanest exit from pathological hope. Forgive — not forget — and in that acceptance, reclaim the energy that has been spent on a wish that will never be granted.
Hope is wired into us, but it becomes pathological when decades of evidence that something isn't working doesn't stop us from trying one more time. The invitation is to relax, stop trying, and redirect that energy toward yourself — where it is actually needed.
Clinging to hope that a compromised mother will change creates a pathological fantasy that keeps women trapped in cycles of disappointment, where choices feel like compulsions.
Children raised by the same mother do not necessarily share the same experience — each sibling effectively has a 'different mother' depending on when they were born and what the mother was going through.
