Quote · The School of Greatness
Why the Wrong Person Feels Like Home | Sheleana Aiyana
Where this was said
You're Dating Your Parent: Projection, the Inner Child, and Pattern Repetition
At 48:00 · chapter starts 47:20
The biggest mistake people make in relationships, Sheleana argues, is confusing their partner for a parental figure from the past — without being aware of it. In her first marriage, she was projecting all her anger and grief at her mother onto her husband, and he onto her. They were on opposite teams, punishing each other for wounds inflicted before they ever met. The resolution, she explains through Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt's Imago work, is recognising the template and using it therapeutically. At an Esalen retreat, she and Ben mapped what they loved most and what hurt them most about each other against what they loved and were most hurt by in their parents — the overlap was stunning. Ben's critical trait in Sheleana matched his mother; her emotionally unavailable patterns matched Sheleana's mother. Awareness transforms the pattern: instead of punishing each other, they could intentionally reparent each other's inner child. She adds the important caveat that reparenting the other is a gift, not an obligation, and must be balanced with self-reparenting. [1] — Sheleana Aiyana "Often we are actually in relationship with a projection of the person who hurt us that we didn't heal with." 48:00 [2] — Sheleana Aiyana "At an Esalen retreat, Sheleana and Ben discovered that what each loved most about the other mirrored what they loved about their parent — a…" 50:42
Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt's Imago therapy shows that people choose romantic partners who closely mirror both the good and bad traits of their own parents.
At an Esalen retreat, Sheleana and Ben discovered that what each loved most about the other mirrored what they loved about their parent — and what hurt them most about each other mirrored what hurt them in childhood. They were reparenting each other's wounded child without realising it. Once aware, they could do it intentionally.
