Quote · 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
The End Is Here w/ Ari Shaffir | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Where this was said
Big Dicks & Big Chicks
At 4:50 · chapter starts 4:13
A memory about Ari having to drop his pants during an early YouTube shoot for This Is Not Happening — with Bert shouting 'dick out this time' — spirals into a conversation about Ari's notably large testicles, which he compares to a Buck Rogers alien with superhuman strength. From there, the three comics debate ideal female height, with Ari declaring anything over 5'4" is 'gross' while Bert admits he felt like he was 'fucking a dude' when he dated a 5'10" woman. Bert introduces Doug, a Tampa friend whose girlfriend couldn't enjoy sex because his penis was 'too big,' leading to the question of whether having a large penis is the most feminist thing a man can do — Ari argues yes, because it exists purely for the pleasure of others. The whole exchange is a master class in how these three let conversations detour into absurdity before snapping back.
Bert Kreischer has told a Tracy Morgan story for years that people assumed he fabricated. Ari arranged a meeting at the Chrysler Building where Tracy not only corroborated the story in full detail but gave Bert explicit permission to keep telling it — then his team pulled out anyway.
Ari Shaffir flew to New York multiple times trying to get Bert's Tracy Morgan story on The End, but the collaboration ultimately fell through.
Tracy Morgan walked into a CAA conference room convinced he was there to make a movie, demolished three breakfast sandwiches, and proceeded to deliver an improvised performance so good that Bert and Ari say they should have just filmed the room. He corroborated every detail of Bert's story — right down to the blunt he smoked in 1999.
