Quote · The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Master Your Emotions & Never Get Angry or Bothered by Anyone
Where this was said
Regulate: Tools for Unhelpful Patterns and Effective Strategies
At 53:52 · chapter starts 47:10
The final RULER skill is regulation, and Brackett begins by cataloguing what doesn't work. He admits he still feels the pull toward retaliation when triggered — extraordinary self-disclosure for the director of a center for emotional intelligence. The three most common unhelpful strategies are avoidance (sidestepping difficult people or emotions instead of processing them), eating and drinking (Mel casually mentions a martini after a stressful day), and negative self-talk. On negative self-talk, Brackett makes a structural argument: it doesn't originate from within — it's planted externally, by parents, peers, and early environments. He illustrates this with his niece Esme, adopted from Guatemala, who at age 5 was told by classmates that her skin color was 'disgusting.' Without intervention — which Brackett and her family provided deliberately — that external voice becomes an internal one. The chapter closes on Brackett's morning mindset practice: 'Today is the first day of the rest of my life' — not a toxic positivity slogan but a commitment to growth orientation rather than rumination.
The three most common go-to strategies for managing difficult emotions — avoidance, eating and drinking, and negative self-talk — not only fail to resolve the underlying feeling but actively reinforce it. Brackett admits he still catches himself reaching for retaliation, even as the founder of a center for emotional intelligence.
Negative self-talk isn't self-generated — it's installed by external voices: parents, peers, bullies commenting on your body, your behavior, your worth. Brackett's research shows there's almost no systematic intervention happening to help children reframe these messages into self-compassion.
Asking 'How will I feel about this in a month?' is a research-backed regulation strategy called temporal distancing that creates space between stimulus and reaction.
When Brackett found himself furious about his partner buying $7 organic almond milk, he used temporal distancing — asking whether this would matter in a week — to defuse the reaction before it damaged the relationship. The technique creates enough space between trigger and response to choose a better action.
