Podbit · Modern Wisdom
The monk mode trend encourages men to withdraw from social life to work on themselves — but this is precisely backwards. The research is clear: close friendships are the single most powerful predictor of whether a man dates, commits, and becomes his best self. Self-improvement without social reintegration is just sophisticated avoidance.
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At 1:15:55 · chapter starts 1:15:54
The discussion turns to the monk mode trend — men withdrawing from social life to focus on fitness, finance, and self-improvement. Cox is direct: it is the exact opposite of what men need. His landmark American friendship study showed a dramatic decline in close male friendships from the 1990s through 2021, with the drop most pronounced among young men. The antidote is more social commitment, not less — whether through scouting, sports, arts, or simply roaming the neighbourhood with kids nearby. He notes that video games, once an inherently communal activity (GoldenEye, Mario Kart), are now predominantly played alone or online, removing one of the last reliable venues for male bonding. Cox argues that the things that will actually make you your best self are the people in your life: you give up bad habits because of them, you change because of them — humans are designed to be formed by relationships, not by solitary optimisation. Williamson adds a sympathetic caveat: monk mode is partly a rational response to the real economic demands of dating, where wealthier men genuinely perform better on apps. But he agrees it risks becoming an excuse to postpone social reintegration indefinitely. [1] — Daniel Cox "The monk mode trend encourages men to withdraw from social life to work on themselves — but this is precisely backwards. The research is cl…" 1:15:55
Social media feeds men and women the absolute worst caricatures of each other while stripping away the everyday, imperfect relationships that would calibrate their expectations. Combine that with smaller families and fewer cross-sex friendships, and you get a generation that talks about the opposite sex constantly but almost never to them.
The 'would you rather be alone with a man or a bear' debate went viral not because men are objectively more dangerous than ever, but because an entire fear industrial complex of influencers and safety products had already primed women to feel that way. Once the algorithm identifies you as worried about personal safety, the content and the scrunchie drink-covers never stop.
Women feel less safe not because danger has increased, but because trust in institutions — police, churches, schools — that used to enforce safety norms has collapsed. Young women are far less likely than older women to believe those institutions will handle sexual assault responsibly, leaving them with only individual self-protection as a fallback.
Even self-identified feminist women consistently told Daniel Cox in interviews and surveys that they want men to open doors, pay for dates, and show demonstrable care. The internet noise around 'benevolent sexism' drowns out this widespread, quietly held preference.
In focus groups in Philadelphia and Raleigh, every single hand went up when participants were asked if parents discussed financial stability and education. Zero hands went up for marriage or parenthood. Parents are shaping their children's ambitions with total silence on the experiences that matter most.
American families are smaller than ever, with roughly 1 in 5 children now growing up as only children. Without the daily friction of siblings — shared bedrooms, shared bathrooms, resolving disagreements — young people enter adult relationships without the negotiation muscles relationships require.
Online dating optimises for your existing preferences rather than expanding your horizons. People who meet online give bad first dates almost no second chances; people who meet through mutual friends are far more forgiving. The disembodied, checklist-driven nature of apps removes all the social cues that actually reveal character.
A split-sample survey found that men judge male and female cheating identically harshly, and women judge male cheating the same way men do. The outlier: young women are dramatically less likely to call female infidelity morally wrong, suggesting shared-fate thinking and personal experience of being cheated on are reshaping the moral calculus.
The fix isn't an app or a policy — it's rekindling curiosity about people who are different from you. Online personas and political labels don't capture who someone actually is; sit across from them for 90 minutes and you'll almost always be surprised. Rebuilding the physical spaces and social scripts for that encounter is the whole task.
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