Quote · The Shawn Ryan Show
#325 Sean Strickland - The Most Controversial Fighter in the UFC Opens Up Like Never Before
Where this was said
Shawn Ryan's CIA Years: Medellín, Cocaine, and a Death Wish
At 55:06 · chapter starts 54:40
The conversation about moral erosion prompts Ryan to open up about his own version of the same spiral. After leaving CIA, making good money as a contractor ($200–$250K/year), he couldn't return to normal life — so he didn't. He moved to Medellín, Colombia for roughly five years, buying cocaine from cartel-adjacent dealers while flashing iPhone calculators to simulate scales, bribing police officers at ATMs when arrested, partying in tin-roof shacks for days straight, and OD-ing on multiple occasions. He wasn't there for work. He was there because he was addicted to adrenaline and the only way to replicate combat was to keep stepping into danger. He would drive through neighborhoods hoping motorcycles following him were assassins. He got tipped off he was being surveilled and fled before the local feds moved on him.
Strickland describes how trauma victims actively destroy their own goodness as a defense mechanism: every bad act erodes the 'little glowing ball' of soul you're born with, because being good only ever made him a victim. After enough acts — hate crimes, violence, cruelty — you become numb. The numbness feels nice. But it's a misery you like, and it leaves you hollow.
After years of CIA contracting, Ryan moved to Medellín, Colombia for five years, embedding himself in cocaine networks, getting arrested multiple times, bribing cops at ATMs, and seeking violence in the most dangerous neighborhoods he could find. He OD'd several times. He wasn't there for work — he was chasing the same adrenaline high that combat gave him, hoping someone would finally kill him.
