Quote · Reimagining Love with Dr. Alexandra Solomon
"I'm Thinking About Getting Back Together With My Ex." (Part Two)
Where this was said
Question 10: What Are Your Highest Values?
At 38:30 · chapter starts 36:25
This chapter reframes the entire reconciliation endeavor through the lens of values rather than outcomes. Dr. Solomon credits Dr. Yael Schonbrunn with the goal-versus-value distinction: a 5-mile hike is a goal; whether you approach it with speed, intimacy, or solitude is a value. Applied to reconciliation, the goal shifts from 'get back together' to 'determine whether reconciliation is feasible, wise, and in everyone's best interest.' [1] — Dr. Alexandra Solomon "Goals vs. values distinction (Dr. Yael Schonbrunn): A goal is what you want to do; a value is how you want to feel as you pursue that goal …" 36:30 The values — honesty, safety, freedom, respect, curiosity, humility — are what guide each micro-decision along the way. Dr. Solomon offers a set of possible mission statements couples might adopt: 'I want my partner to feel free, not obliged, to choose this relationship again.' 'I am committed to gentleness no matter what.' These aren't slogans — they're compasses. She notes that partners' values need not be identical, but they cannot be diametrically opposed, and finding at least one shared value (like trust) provides an anchor to return to when the process gets hard.
The goal of reconciliation isn't to get back together — it's to decide whether reconciliation is feasible, wise, and in everyone's best interest. And the values guiding that process (honesty, safety, curiosity, humility) are what keep you aligned with the person you want to be.
A goal is what you want to do; a value is how you want to feel as you pursue that goal — a framework Dr. Solomon attributes to Dr. Yael Schonbrunn.
Reconciling in secret risks mistaking the thrill of being sneaky for genuine romantic excitement. Having even a small group of allies keeps the relationship grounded in reality — and a robust community takes the pressure off partners to be everything to each other.
