Quote · Reimagining Love with Dr. Alexandra Solomon
"I'm Thinking About Getting Back Together With My Ex." (Part One)
Where this was said
Question 1: How Will You Cope With the Power of Refinding?
At 18:18 · chapter starts 17:30
Drawing on Esther Perel's framework from Mating in Captivity, Dr. Solomon describes how all intimate relationships hold two competing yearnings: safety and novelty. Reconnecting with an ex places you at the exact fulcrum between those two poles — you know this person, and you don't. The result is a powerful, almost intoxicating energy she calls 'refinding,' one that carries genuine magic but also genuine risk. [1] — Dr. Alexandra Solomon "Reconnecting with an ex creates a uniquely charged 'refinding' energy — the simultaneous pull of deep familiarity and tantalizing novelty. …" 17:30 To navigate it without making reactive choices, she recommends Dan Siegel's 'name it to frame it' technique — putting words to the bodily pull — plus going slowly, taking little bites, and resisting the urge to process for hours or spend endless time together. The goal is responsiveness over reactivity.
Reconnecting with an ex creates a uniquely charged 'refinding' energy — the simultaneous pull of deep familiarity and tantalizing novelty. That electricity is real and it's powerful, which is exactly why you need to name it, go slowly, and take little bites rather than diving in headfirst.
Reconnecting with an ex creates a uniquely intoxicating 'refinding' energy — a simultaneous pull of familiarity and novelty — that can short-circuit thoughtful decision-making if not consciously managed.
Are you moving toward your ex or just running away from loneliness? Approach motivations — 'I miss this person, I like who I am with them' — produce durable reconciliations. Avoidance motivations — 'I need relief from grief, I fear they'll move on first' — only provide short-term fuel. And reconciliation is a marathon.
