Quote · Reimagining Love with Dr. Alexandra Solomon
"I'm Thinking About Getting Back Together With My Ex." (Part One)
Where this was said
Question 2: What Is Your Why? (Approach vs. Avoidance Motivation)
At 24:10 · chapter starts 20:55
Citing Feltman and Elliott's 2012 definition from the Encyclopedia of Sciences of Learning, Dr. Solomon breaks motivation into two buckets: approach (moving toward what you want) and avoidance (moving away from what you don't want). Approach sounds like 'I miss this person; I like who I am with them; I'm excited about what's possible.' Avoidance sounds like 'I need relief from grief; I fear they'll move on; I'm struggling in the relationship I started after we broke up.' [1] — Dr. Alexandra Solomon "Are you moving toward your ex or just running away from loneliness? Approach motivations — 'I miss this person, I like who I am with them' …" 20:50 Neither is simple or shameful, but they have very different durability as fuel for the long, slow process of reconciliation. The ideal state is one where a person genuinely feels they can be okay alone — so that rekindling feels like a free choice rather than a rescue operation.
Reconciliation driven by approach motivation (moving toward what you want) is more durable than avoidance motivation (escaping loneliness or grief), which only provides short-term relief.
Skipping grief doesn't eliminate it — it just re-routes it. Unprocessed grief from a breakup will travel directly into version 2.0 and resurface as anxiety, hypervigilance, or emotional flatness. You have to fully grieve the loss before you can show up whole for the reunion.
