Snapshot · Reimagining Love with Dr. Alexandra Solomon
Reconciliation driven by approach motivation (moving toward what you want) is more durable than avoidance motivation (escaping loneliness or grief), which only provides short-term relief.
Where this was said
At 21:45 · chapter starts 20:55
Citing Feltman and Elliott's 2012 definition from the Encyclopedia of Sciences of Learning, Dr. Solomon breaks motivation into two buckets: approach (moving toward what you want) and avoidance (moving away from what you don't want). Approach sounds like 'I miss this person; I like who I am with them; I'm excited about what's possible.' Avoidance sounds like 'I need relief from grief; I fear they'll move on; I'm struggling in the relationship I started after we broke up.' [1] — Dr. Alexandra Solomon "Are you moving toward your ex or just running away from loneliness? Approach motivations — 'I miss this person, I like who I am with them' …" 20:50 Neither is simple or shameful, but they have very different durability as fuel for the long, slow process of reconciliation. The ideal state is one where a person genuinely feels they can be okay alone — so that rekindling feels like a free choice rather than a rescue operation.
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