Pace discrepancies: very slim chance of alignment
Dr. Solomon says the odds that both partners will be ready for the exact same commitment milestone at the exact same time are very slim.
Snapshot · Reimagining Love with Dr. Alexandra Solomon
"I'm Thinking About Getting Back Together With My Ex." (Part Two)
Explore episode
Apr 11, 2023
Where this was said
Question 8: When Doubt Strikes, What Will You Remember?
At 33:00 · chapter starts 25:55
This chapter addresses what is perhaps the most frightening moment in any reconciliation: the déjà vu flash of 'uh-oh, here we go again.' Dr. Solomon's core message is disarmingly direct — the first step is not to fight it. [1] — Dr. Alexandra Solomon "When version 2.0 echoes version 1.0, that's not a death sentence — it's a test. The key is to not fight the familiar feeling, slow down, an…" 25:55 Echoing Byron Katie, she reminds listeners that arguing with reality always loses. Of course there will be echoes; you are still, in some ways, yourselves. The real work is in how you handle the familiar moment differently this time. She introduces the concept of the Alternative Adaptive Sequence from Integrative Systemic Therapy: the moment when a dynamic that could have gone the old way goes a new way instead. Her prescription is to deliberately savor and name those moments aloud, training the brain to notice the new pattern rather than defaulting to the old one. She returns to Ruth and Tony: Tony began proactively volunteering therapy updates to Ruth — not to earn approval, but because he'd genuinely internalized what transparency in partnership looks like. That shift from compliance to authentic care is the kind of corrective moment Dr. Solomon wants every reconciling couple to watch for.
Question 8: A Resonance Is Not a Repetition
When version 2.0 echoes version 1.0, that's not a death sentence — it's a test. The key is to not fight the familiar feeling, slow down, and then consciously capture the moments when the old pattern does NOT happen.
Resonance ≠ repetition with curiosity & humility
A familiar moment in a new relationship does not have to become the old pattern — if partners meet it with curiosity and humility, it can go differently.
Tony Volunteers Updates — Not to Please, But to Connect
Tony didn't give Ruth updates on his therapy to earn gold stars. He did it because he understood that volunteering your inner world to a partner so they don't have to walk on eggshells is what building intimacy actually looks like.
Question 9: Pace Discrepancies in Reconciliation
When you're reconciling, you're hitting milestones you've already passed — exclusivity, meeting family, moving in. That 'firsts that aren't firsts' confusion is real, and the answer is to go slow and resist using a past milestone as a finish line for anxiety.
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