Snapshot · The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stonewallers who appeared calm were often measured at heart rates of 140–150 bpm — the shutdown is not calm disengagement but an attempt to self-soothe from physiological overwhelm.
Where this was said
At 1:17:10 · chapter starts 1:11:50
The stonewalling roleplay is simple and instantly recognizable: Julie badgers John about unpaid bills, he crosses his arms, looks away, gives a dismissive 'this is not a big deal,' and shuts down completely. The huff Julie ends with is, Mel notes, contempt — the horsemen don't travel alone. [1] — Julie Gottman "Stonewallers look like they don't care. Their heart rates tell a different story: 140–150 bpm, measured moments before the shutdown began. …" 1:16:10 But the real revelation comes from the physiology: John Gottman and Bob Levinson measured heart rates in real time and found that stonewallers had rates of 140–150 bpm in the 10 seconds before they went silent. What looks like a power play is actually a panic attack. The shutdown is an attempt to self-soothe from overwhelming physiological distress — the internal monologue is not 'I don't care,' but 'whatever I say will make this worse, I just have to endure.' The antidote is not silence: it's saying 'I'm flooded, I need to take a break, and I'll be back in 30 minutes' — and then genuinely distracting yourself from the fight so stress hormones can metabolize. Saying 'let's just not talk about this' instead is one of the most damaging things you can do, Julie warns: it tells your partner their feelings don't matter.
While stonewalling is more common in men, Gottman research found that women are the stonewaller approximately 15% of the time.
Stonewallers look like they don't care. Their heart rates tell a different story: 140–150 bpm, measured moments before the shutdown began. Stonewalling is not a power play — it's a desperate attempt to self-soothe from physiological overwhelm. The antidote is saying 'I'm flooded, I need 30 minutes' and then actually distracting yourself from the fight entirely.
When someone is flooded and stonewalling, they need a minimum 20–30-minute break — and must avoid thinking about the fight — for stress hormones to metabolize out of the body.
Mental health challenges are nearly universal — BetterHelp's own research found the majority of Americans experiencing symptoms right now.
When applying for Medicaid to cover nursing home costs, there is a 5-year look-back period that can disqualify applicants who gave away or spent down assets.
A broken pipe filled the Bad Friends studio with what the hosts identified as hydrogen sulfide — microscopic fecal aeroparticles — that the crew denied smelling.
Fei-Fei Li's father's liver surgery performed by a da Vinci robot resulted in 10 times less blood loss than a typical open liver surgery, thanks to laparoscopic precision.
Approximately 115 million adults in the US currently have prediabetes, most of whom are unaware, according to the Lingo sponsor segment.
Drug overdose deaths in the US fell from 110,000 to 80,000 in 2024, and then to roughly 70,000 — the largest single-year drop the CDC has ever recorded.
Men's overdose death rate fell 27% in a single year, outpacing the 23% drop for women.
The steepest decline in overdose deaths was among 15–24-year-olds, whose rate fell 37%.
Fei-Fei Li observed that on a given hospital shift, nurses walk miles just to fetch medicine and supplies, illustrating a clear use case for assistive robotics in healthcare.
We use essential and analytics cookies to run Vuci. To understand how the site is used: Privacy Policy.
Install Vuci on your phone
Add it to your home screen for a faster, app-like experience.
Install Vuci on your phone
Tap the Share button, then “Add to Home Screen”.
A new version is available
Reload to get the latest Vuci.