"I'm Thinking About Getting Back Together With My Ex." (Part Two)

"I'm Thinking About Getting Back Together With My Ex." (Part Two)

Resentment feels like a cozy blanket — it lets you avoid vulnerability — but Dr. Alexandra Solomon says forgiveness is the only path to a relationship version 2.0 worth having.

Apr 11, 2023 47:54 Difficulty: Beginner Played

TL;DR

Dr. Alexandra Solomon walks through questions 7–12 of her 12-question framework for couples considering reconciliation after a breakup. She covers forgiveness as a gradual "dimmer switch" process, managing déjà vu moments without letting resonance become repetition, navigating pace discrepancies at commitment milestones, aligning on core values, communicating with protective family and friends, and celebrating small wins as fuel for growth. The single most actionable takeaway: trust rebuilds not all at once, but through micro-moments of risking vulnerability and experiencing something genuinely different.

#relationship reconciliation #forgiveness process #pursuer-distancer dynamic #negativity bias in relationships #family of origin wounds #pace discrepancy in commitment #corrective emotional experience #relationship values #self-compassion #community and relationships #couples therapy #second chances #relational self-awareness #reconciliation #forgiveness #pursuer-distancer #negativity bias #family of origin #pace discrepancy #values #intimacy #community #breakup

Part two of Dr. Alexandra Solomon's two-part series on reconciliation, covering questions 7–12 of her 12-question framework: forgiveness, handling déjà vu moments, pace discrepancies, values alignment, communicating with friends and family, and celebrating small wins.

Chapter list
  • Dr. Solomon opens with her signature introduction, establishing her credentials as a clinical psychologist, author, and Northwestern University professor before diving into the purpose of this solo episode. She makes a point of reiterating that she is neither for nor against reconciliation — her goal is to provide a rigorous, self-aware framework that helps people make the choice that's truly right for them. She draws the crucial distinction between relationships that end for clear, permanent reasons (where the work is integration and moving forward) and relationships that end because of timing, context, or a ceiling on relational self-awareness — the latter being the territory this series addresses. Most powerfully, she issues an early challenge: the goal is not to return to how things were, because version 1.0 of the relationship is the very version that ended. What's needed is a genuinely new version, built on different foundations.

  • This is the richest and most psychologically layered chapter of the episode. Dr. Solomon argues that forgiveness cannot be demanded — only offered — and that couples considering reconciliation must have explicit, brave conversations about every resentment they still carry, whether for a single incident or a pattern of behavior. She introduces the idea that self-forgiveness is as essential as forgiving the other person: acknowledging your own part in the relational dance — even if your part was silence — is both honest and necessary. She then delivers one of the episode's most memorable insights: resentment feels like a cozy blanket, a familiar and protective shield that eliminates the need for vulnerability. But carrying that resentment into a new relationship will exhaust both partners and corrode trust, ease, joy, and intimacy. Dr. Solomon invokes the Shawshank Redemption's 'get busy living or get busy dying' to land the point. She closes the section with a neuroscience grounding: citing Dr. Rick Hanson, she explains that our brains are Velcro for the negative and Teflon for the positive, meaning we must be actively intentional about registering safety and change.

  • Using Ruth and Tony as a teaching vehicle, Dr. Solomon walks listeners through the mechanics of the pursuer-distancer cycle with clinical precision and emotional depth. Tony, experiencing depression and without a role model for seeking help, shut down; Ruth, who grew up in a home where her emotional needs were dismissed with 'look at all your privileges,' responded by escalating her pleas until they became criticism. Round and round they went until Ruth ended it. During their six months apart, Tony began therapy and joined a men's group — meaningful growth, but growth Ruth struggled to trust because it only happened after she turned the volume all the way up. Dr. Solomon then uses their story to map out the four dimensions of forgiveness work required: Ruth forgiving herself for tolerating invisibility, Tony forgiving himself for shutting her out, Ruth forgiving Tony, and Tony forgiving Ruth for the harsh things she said when she was desperate. She traces each person's behavior back to a family-of-origin wound, showing how self-compassion deepens when it is rooted in understanding rather than self-blame.

  • This chapter addresses what is perhaps the most frightening moment in any reconciliation: the déjà vu flash of 'uh-oh, here we go again.' Dr. Solomon's core message is disarmingly direct — the first step is not to fight it. Echoing Byron Katie, she reminds listeners that arguing with reality always loses. Of course there will be echoes; you are still, in some ways, yourselves. The real work is in how you handle the familiar moment differently this time. She introduces the concept of the Alternative Adaptive Sequence from Integrative Systemic Therapy: the moment when a dynamic that could have gone the old way goes a new way instead. Her prescription is to deliberately savor and name those moments aloud, training the brain to notice the new pattern rather than defaulting to the old one. She returns to Ruth and Tony: Tony began proactively volunteering therapy updates to Ruth — not to earn approval, but because he'd genuinely internalized what transparency in partnership looks like. That shift from compliance to authentic care is the kind of corrective moment Dr. Solomon wants every reconciling couple to watch for.

  • Dr. Solomon pauses before question 9 to remind listeners that all 12 questions are available in a downloadable companion worksheet. Newsletter subscribers receive it automatically; others can access it at dralexandrasolomon.com/secondchances. It's a brief but practical interlude that signals the worksheet is a central resource for the self-reflection work the episode demands.

  • Pace discrepancy — when partners are not equally ready for the next commitment step — is common in any relationship, but reconciliation adds a layer of disorientation. The milestones you're approaching (exclusivity, meeting each other's families again, having sex, traveling together) have already been passed once. This creates what Dr. Solomon calls a 'both/and': new and not new, a first and not a first. Her advice is deceptively simple: slow down and stay curious. Resist the rush to get back to 'where we were,' because this version of the relationship needs to look different, and crossing a previously-reached milestone doesn't mean the anxiety disappears. She warns against using a prior milestone as a mirage — a point at which you tell yourself you can finally relax — because that defers both presence and genuine ease. Instead, she encourages couples to celebrate micro-commitments along the way: a good dinner with friends, solving a problem together, doing something even slightly differently than before. Progress, however small, is worth naming.

  • This chapter reframes the entire reconciliation endeavor through the lens of values rather than outcomes. Dr. Solomon credits Dr. Yael Schonbrunn with the goal-versus-value distinction: a 5-mile hike is a goal; whether you approach it with speed, intimacy, or solitude is a value. Applied to reconciliation, the goal shifts from 'get back together' to 'determine whether reconciliation is feasible, wise, and in everyone's best interest.' The values — honesty, safety, freedom, respect, curiosity, humility — are what guide each micro-decision along the way. Dr. Solomon offers a set of possible mission statements couples might adopt: 'I want my partner to feel free, not obliged, to choose this relationship again.' 'I am committed to gentleness no matter what.' These aren't slogans — they're compasses. She notes that partners' values need not be identical, but they cannot be diametrically opposed, and finding at least one shared value (like trust) provides an anchor to return to when the process gets hard.

  • The question of what to tell friends and family is one of the most practically thorny aspects of reconciliation, and Dr. Solomon handles it with characteristic depth. First, she makes a counterintuitive case for transparency: secret relationships are supercharged by the thrill of being transgressive, and that excitement can be mistaken for genuine romantic momentum. Keeping even a small circle of allies in the loop grounds the reconciliation in reality rather than fantasy. Second, she acknowledges what most people overlook — your friends and family went through the breakup too. They may have formed strong narratives about who was the victim and who was the villain, and they may feel fiercely protective now that you're considering going back. Dr. Solomon's prescription is compassion — for your people's protective instincts — combined with clear, calm communication about the care you're taking. And crucially: stop trying to sell them. The more you advocate for your ex, the more your friends may dig in. Let your ex bear witness to their hurt and ask for forgiveness directly. It may even be necessary for your ex to have that conversation without you present.

  • Healing in reconciliation is curvy, not linear, and Dr. Solomon's final question asks couples to stop and notice what is actually going right. This is not toxic positivity or willful blindness — it's a neurological corrective to the negativity bias. Every time partners meet a difficult moment with curiosity instead of defensiveness, they create what therapists call a corrective emotional experience: receiving or offering something now that was unavailable before. Dr. Solomon is also honest about the emotional trap that waits in these wins — the urge to say 'If you could do this now, why couldn't you have just done it before?' That impulse is real, understandable, and ultimately corrosive. Instead, she offers a model of language that holds both gratitude and grief: 'Thank you for giving me now what you couldn't give me then. There's a small part of me that grieves what I couldn't have then, but a lot of me is glad to have it now.' That both/and — gratitude alongside sorrow, pride alongside vulnerability — is perhaps the most honest summation of what reconciliation truly demands.

  • In a warm and efficient closing, Dr. Solomon thanks listeners for joining both parts of the series and reiterates where to find the companion worksheet — in their newsletter inbox or at dralexandrasolomon.com/secondchances. She previews a return to guest conversations the following week and closes with her social handles: Instagram at @dr.alexandra.solomon and her website dralexandrasolomon.com, which hosts her blog and the Intimate Relationships 101 e-course based on her Northwestern University class. It's a brief, gracious outro that points listeners toward the broader ecosystem of her work.

Pursuer-distancer dynamic
A relational cycle in which one partner escalates pursuit (through criticism, pleading, or cajoling) and the other responds by withdrawing, each intensifying the other's behavior in a loop.
Relational self-awareness
The ability to observe and understand one's own patterns, needs, and behaviors within intimate relationships — Dr. Solomon's central framework throughout the podcast.
Corrective emotional experience
A therapeutic concept describing a moment in which a person receives or offers something emotionally that they could not in a prior relationship, helping to heal old wounds through new experience.
Alternative Adaptive Sequence (AAS)
A term from Integrative Systemic Therapy referring to a moment when a relational interaction that would typically follow an old negative pattern instead follows a new, healthier path.
Integrative Systemic Therapy
A couples and family therapy model practiced at Northwestern's Family Institute that integrates multiple therapeutic approaches and focuses on relational patterns across individual, couple, and systemic levels.
Negativity bias
The brain's evolutionary tendency to register and retain negative experiences more strongly than positive ones, leading to heightened vigilance for threats — a concept popularized by neuropsychologist Dr. Rick Hanson.
Family of origin
The family a person grew up in, whose dynamics, rules, and relational patterns typically form the template for adult intimate relationships.
Pace discrepancy
Dr. Solomon's term for when intimate partners are not aligned on the speed at which they are ready to move to the next commitment milestone in a relationship.
Titrate
To carefully adjust the amount or pace of something in incremental steps; used here to describe the measured, gradual process of offering acknowledgment, apology, and forgiveness in reconciliation.
Cajoling
Persuading someone gently but persistently, often through flattery or repeated appeals; used here to describe one pursuit strategy in the pursuer-distancer cycle.
Underfunctioning
A systemic therapy term for a partner who operates below their capacity — often relying on the other partner to compensate — typically appearing as the distancer in a pursuer-distancer dynamic.
Patriarch / patriarchal
A social system in which men hold primary power and authority; Dr. Solomon invokes it to contextualize how cultural conditioning shaped Tony's dismissiveness of Ruth's concerns.
Transgressive
Going beyond accepted limits or norms; used here to describe the appeal of a secret reconciliation, whose thrill of rule-breaking can be mistaken for genuine romantic excitement.
Savor
To deliberately linger on and appreciate a positive experience; Dr. Solomon uses it as an active practice — consciously registering moments when a relationship interaction goes well — to counteract negativity bias.
Felt sense
A term from somatic therapy referring to a bodily, intuitive awareness of a situation that precedes verbal articulation; used here to describe Ruth's gut-level perception that Tony was genuinely changing.

Chapter 1 · 00:00

Introduction & Episode Overview

Dr. Solomon opens with her signature introduction, establishing her credentials as a clinical psychologist, author, and Northwestern University professor before diving into the purpose of this solo episode. She makes a point of reiterating that she is neither for nor against reconciliation — her goal is to provide a rigorous, self-aware framework that helps people make the choice that's truly right for them. She draws the crucial distinction between relationships that end for clear, permanent reasons (where the work is integration and moving forward) and relationships that end because of timing, context, or a ceiling on relational self-awareness — the latter being the territory this series addresses. Most powerfully, she issues an early challenge: the goal is not to return to how things were, because version 1.0 of the relationship is the very version that ended. What's needed is a genuinely new version, built on different foundations.

Chapter 2 · 04:50

Question 7: What Do You Need to Forgive Before You Begin Again?

This is the richest and most psychologically layered chapter of the episode. Dr. Solomon argues that forgiveness cannot be demanded — only offered — and that couples considering reconciliation must have explicit, brave conversations about every resentment they still carry, whether for a single incident or a pattern of behavior. She introduces the idea that self-forgiveness is as essential as forgiving the other person: acknowledging your own part in the relational dance — even if your part was silence — is both honest and necessary. She then delivers one of the episode's most memorable insights: resentment feels like a cozy blanket, a familiar and protective shield that eliminates the need for vulnerability. But carrying that resentment into a new relationship will exhaust both partners and corrode trust, ease, joy, and intimacy. Dr. Solomon invokes the Shawshank Redemption's 'get busy living or get busy dying' to land the point. She closes the section with a neuroscience grounding: citing Dr. Rick Hanson, she explains that our brains are Velcro for the negative and Teflon for the positive, meaning we must be actively intentional about registering safety and change.

Chapter 3 · 19:15

Case Study: Ruth and Tony — The Pursuer-Distancer Cycle

Using Ruth and Tony as a teaching vehicle, Dr. Solomon walks listeners through the mechanics of the pursuer-distancer cycle with clinical precision and emotional depth. Tony, experiencing depression and without a role model for seeking help, shut down; Ruth, who grew up in a home where her emotional needs were dismissed with 'look at all your privileges,' responded by escalating her pleas until they became criticism. Round and round they went until Ruth ended it. During their six months apart, Tony began therapy and joined a men's group — meaningful growth, but growth Ruth struggled to trust because it only happened after she turned the volume all the way up. Dr. Solomon then uses their story to map out the four dimensions of forgiveness work required: Ruth forgiving herself for tolerating invisibility, Tony forgiving himself for shutting her out, Ruth forgiving Tony, and Tony forgiving Ruth for the harsh things she said when she was desperate. She traces each person's behavior back to a family-of-origin wound, showing how self-compassion deepens when it is rooted in understanding rather than self-blame.

Health & Fitness
Self-Forgiveness Is Rooted in Family of Origin Wounds

"I'm Thinking About Getting Back Together With My Ex." (Par… · Apr 11, 2023 Health & Fitness

Self-forgiveness deepens when you connect your relationship behavior to a core wound from your childhood. Tony's inability to listen to Ruth tracked back to watching his father dismiss his mother; Ruth's tolerance for being ignored tracked back to emotionally unavailable parents who told her to count her blessings.

Chapter 4 · 25:55

Question 8: When Doubt Strikes, What Will You Remember?

This chapter addresses what is perhaps the most frightening moment in any reconciliation: the déjà vu flash of 'uh-oh, here we go again.' Dr. Solomon's core message is disarmingly direct — the first step is not to fight it. Echoing Byron Katie, she reminds listeners that arguing with reality always loses. Of course there will be echoes; you are still, in some ways, yourselves. The real work is in how you handle the familiar moment differently this time. She introduces the concept of the Alternative Adaptive Sequence from Integrative Systemic Therapy: the moment when a dynamic that could have gone the old way goes a new way instead. Her prescription is to deliberately savor and name those moments aloud, training the brain to notice the new pattern rather than defaulting to the old one. She returns to Ruth and Tony: Tony began proactively volunteering therapy updates to Ruth — not to earn approval, but because he'd genuinely internalized what transparency in partnership looks like. That shift from compliance to authentic care is the kind of corrective moment Dr. Solomon wants every reconciling couple to watch for.

Chapter 5 · 33:05

Companion Worksheet Reminder

Dr. Solomon pauses before question 9 to remind listeners that all 12 questions are available in a downloadable companion worksheet. Newsletter subscribers receive it automatically; others can access it at dralexandrasolomon.com/secondchances. It's a brief but practical interlude that signals the worksheet is a central resource for the self-reflection work the episode demands.

Chapter 7 · 36:25

Question 10: What Are Your Highest Values?

This chapter reframes the entire reconciliation endeavor through the lens of values rather than outcomes. Dr. Solomon credits Dr. Yael Schonbrunn with the goal-versus-value distinction: a 5-mile hike is a goal; whether you approach it with speed, intimacy, or solitude is a value. Applied to reconciliation, the goal shifts from 'get back together' to 'determine whether reconciliation is feasible, wise, and in everyone's best interest.' The values — honesty, safety, freedom, respect, curiosity, humility — are what guide each micro-decision along the way. Dr. Solomon offers a set of possible mission statements couples might adopt: 'I want my partner to feel free, not obliged, to choose this relationship again.' 'I am committed to gentleness no matter what.' These aren't slogans — they're compasses. She notes that partners' values need not be identical, but they cannot be diametrically opposed, and finding at least one shared value (like trust) provides an anchor to return to when the process gets hard.

Chapter 8 · 39:55

Question 11: How Will You Handle Friends and Family?

The question of what to tell friends and family is one of the most practically thorny aspects of reconciliation, and Dr. Solomon handles it with characteristic depth. First, she makes a counterintuitive case for transparency: secret relationships are supercharged by the thrill of being transgressive, and that excitement can be mistaken for genuine romantic momentum. Keeping even a small circle of allies in the loop grounds the reconciliation in reality rather than fantasy. Second, she acknowledges what most people overlook — your friends and family went through the breakup too. They may have formed strong narratives about who was the victim and who was the villain, and they may feel fiercely protective now that you're considering going back. Dr. Solomon's prescription is compassion — for your people's protective instincts — combined with clear, calm communication about the care you're taking. And crucially: stop trying to sell them. The more you advocate for your ex, the more your friends may dig in. Let your ex bear witness to their hurt and ask for forgiveness directly. It may even be necessary for your ex to have that conversation without you present.

Chapter 9 · 44:55

Question 12: What Are You Most Proud Of So Far?

Healing in reconciliation is curvy, not linear, and Dr. Solomon's final question asks couples to stop and notice what is actually going right. This is not toxic positivity or willful blindness — it's a neurological corrective to the negativity bias. Every time partners meet a difficult moment with curiosity instead of defensiveness, they create what therapists call a corrective emotional experience: receiving or offering something now that was unavailable before. Dr. Solomon is also honest about the emotional trap that waits in these wins — the urge to say 'If you could do this now, why couldn't you have just done it before?' That impulse is real, understandable, and ultimately corrosive. Instead, she offers a model of language that holds both gratitude and grief: 'Thank you for giving me now what you couldn't give me then. There's a small part of me that grieves what I couldn't have then, but a lot of me is glad to have it now.' That both/and — gratitude alongside sorrow, pride alongside vulnerability — is perhaps the most honest summation of what reconciliation truly demands.

No indexed bits in this chapter.

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This episode

Claims & Sources

3 / 12 cited (25%)

Factual claims made this episode, and whether a source was named.

Human brains are hardwired with a negativity bias, clinging to negative experiences (Velcro) while shedding positive ones (Teflon).

Dr. Alexandra Solomon Dr. Rick Hanson (neuropsychologist)

Trust can be destroyed in an instant but is rebuilt through small, repeated micro-moments of vulnerability that yield a safer experience.

Dr. Alexandra Solomon no source cited

Intimate partnerships tend to be strongest when embedded in a broader community of friends, family, and other affiliations.

Dr. Alexandra Solomon no source cited

Secret reconciliations are often energized by the thrill of transgression rather than genuine romantic excitement, making them unsustainable.

Dr. Alexandra Solomon no source cited

The chances that both partners will be ready for the same commitment milestone at exactly the same time are very slim.

Dr. Alexandra Solomon no source cited

Forgiveness of self deepens when tied to a core wound from one's family of origin.

Dr. Alexandra Solomon no source cited

Arguing with reality always results in a loss, 100% of the time.

Dr. Alexandra Solomon Byron Katie

Each time reconciling partners relate with more curiosity and patience, they create a corrective emotional experience.

Dr. Alexandra Solomon no source cited

A goal is what you want to do; a value is how you want to feel as you make progress toward that goal.

Dr. Alexandra Solomon Dr. Yael Schonbrunn

Healing in second-chance relationships is more curvy than linear, often feeling like two steps forward and one step back.

Dr. Alexandra Solomon no source cited

Reconciling in a relationship means there will be 'firsts that aren't really firsts,' creating a confusing both/and timeline of new and familiar milestones.

Dr. Alexandra Solomon no source cited

Weddings tend to be community events partly because intimate relationships function as bridges between families and friend groups.

Dr. Alexandra Solomon no source cited

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