Podbit · On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Gay dating for Jake Shane has been visual-first, app-dependent, and profoundly lonely. He describes it as experiencing the romantic validation rites of high school — but as a man in his twenties, a decade behind straight peers.
Where this was said
At 10:59 · chapter starts 10:22
Jake opens up about his experience dating as a gay man: the scene is predominantly online, predominantly visual, and for him, profoundly lonely. [1] — Jake Shane "Gay dating for Jake Shane has been visual-first, app-dependent, and profoundly lonely. He describes it as experiencing the romantic validat…" 10:59 He explains how gay men often find community online because they've lived closeted lives, and how app-dating's visual-first nature fed years of body insecurity. When Jay brings up the viral Coachella shirtless moment, Jake is characteristically honest: yes, it felt incredible, years of work validated in a single post. But the compliment-built confidence is tissue-thin — one old photo can shatter it. He describes feeling ashamed that people saw him at his former size, even as he cautions himself against sounding 'horrible' for saying so. Jay makes a personal connection, revealing he was also bullied for being overweight and for being Indian.
Jake Shane describes his experience of gay dating as predominantly visual, app-based, and ultimately very lonely.
Social media feeds men and women the absolute worst caricatures of each other while stripping away the everyday, imperfect relationships that would calibrate their expectations. Combine that with smaller families and fewer cross-sex friendships, and you get a generation that talks about the opposite sex constantly but almost never to them.
The 'would you rather be alone with a man or a bear' debate went viral not because men are objectively more dangerous than ever, but because an entire fear industrial complex of influencers and safety products had already primed women to feel that way. Once the algorithm identifies you as worried about personal safety, the content and the scrunchie drink-covers never stop.
Women feel less safe not because danger has increased, but because trust in institutions — police, churches, schools — that used to enforce safety norms has collapsed. Young women are far less likely than older women to believe those institutions will handle sexual assault responsibly, leaving them with only individual self-protection as a fallback.
Even self-identified feminist women consistently told Daniel Cox in interviews and surveys that they want men to open doors, pay for dates, and show demonstrable care. The internet noise around 'benevolent sexism' drowns out this widespread, quietly held preference.
In focus groups in Philadelphia and Raleigh, every single hand went up when participants were asked if parents discussed financial stability and education. Zero hands went up for marriage or parenthood. Parents are shaping their children's ambitions with total silence on the experiences that matter most.
American families are smaller than ever, with roughly 1 in 5 children now growing up as only children. Without the daily friction of siblings — shared bedrooms, shared bathrooms, resolving disagreements — young people enter adult relationships without the negotiation muscles relationships require.
Online dating optimises for your existing preferences rather than expanding your horizons. People who meet online give bad first dates almost no second chances; people who meet through mutual friends are far more forgiving. The disembodied, checklist-driven nature of apps removes all the social cues that actually reveal character.
A split-sample survey found that men judge male and female cheating identically harshly, and women judge male cheating the same way men do. The outlier: young women are dramatically less likely to call female infidelity morally wrong, suggesting shared-fate thinking and personal experience of being cheated on are reshaping the moral calculus.
The monk mode trend encourages men to withdraw from social life to work on themselves — but this is precisely backwards. The research is clear: close friendships are the single most powerful predictor of whether a man dates, commits, and becomes his best self. Self-improvement without social reintegration is just sophisticated avoidance.
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