Quote · The School of Greatness
The Grief Expert Who Discovered a Sixth Stage | David Kessler
Where this was said
Men, Feelings, and Redefining Manhood
At 34:52 · chapter starts 33:00
Lewis asks directly: between men and women, who has the harder time expressing feelings? Kessler's answer is unequivocal — men. He traces it to his own origin story in grief work: when his mother died, the only advice he received was 'be strong,' whispered in a hospital stairwell. That single instruction encoded a lifetime of emotional suppression — no feelings, take care of everyone, suck it up. He fast-forwards to the logical endpoint: those who suck it up reach their deathbeds and realize they performed without connecting, achieved without loving, did everything but felt nothing. He also pushes back on toxic masculinity in grief specifically, citing his work at Ground Zero after 9/11 — firefighters digging for their brothers, crying openly. Those men were not being unmanly. Manhood, Kessler insists, needs to be redefined to include full emotional range. And the practical starting point for men who can't do face-to-face emotional conversation is movement: take a walk, talk shoulder-to-shoulder, and let thoughts reveal feelings organically.
Sitting men down face-to-face and demanding they share feelings is almost guaranteed to fail. Kessler's workaround: take a walk. Men process emotion better shoulder-to-shoulder than eye-to-eye. Even thoughts reveal feelings — meet people where they are.
