Quote · Multiamory: Rethinking Modern Relationships
578 - Getting Back Together with an Ex: Great Idea or Terrible Idea?
Where this was said
Do You Want Them, or Do You Want Resolution?
At 28:13 · chapter starts 25:40
Emily presents a 2011 Journal of Social Psychology study finding that lingering attachment and uncertainty about whether a breakup was truly permanent were the most common reasons people decided to try again. The hosts unpack the asymmetry this creates: one person thinking 'it's over for now but maybe not forever' while their ex considers it definitively finished. Jace connects this to the social habit of softening breakup language — the gentle 'let's see what happens' framing that inadvertently leaves the door ajar. Emily then offers three filtering questions for anyone in this situation: Has something actually changed that would make the relationship better? Do you want that person, or just resolution? And would you still want them if you had a fully satisfying answer to what went wrong? Dedeker adds a fourth: am I genuinely attracted to this person, or am I just dissatisfied with my current life or dating situation? The group agrees that boredom, loneliness, or frustration with dating can warp the perceived quality of past relationships by making familiar even-if-bad feel comfortable.
A 2011 Journal of Social Psychology study found that uncertainty about whether a breakup was permanent was one of the key drivers of reconciliation attempts.
A 2011 Journal of Social Psychology study found that uncertainty about whether a breakup was truly permanent was the top driver of reconciliation attempts. People who weren't sure it was over were significantly more likely to try again — even if the underlying relationship issues hadn't changed.
A 2009 University of Texas study of 445 college students found that people in on-again/off-again relationships reported significantly less love, stability, and understanding than those in consistently stable relationships. The cycle itself — not just the incompatibility — seems to corrode connection.
