Quote · The Mel Robbins Podcast
The Best Relationship Advice That Everyone Needs to Hear (From the World’s #1 Love Researchers)
Where this was said
Horseman 2 — Contempt: The Character Assassination
At 1:00:50 · chapter starts 57:30
John opens the contempt roleplay by calling Julie out on spending — not with anger, but with the cool, superior tone of someone who has already judged and found the other wanting. The escalation is rapid: from 'you can't do anything right' to 'you're ruining our whole plan.' Then comes the therapist anecdote that perfectly encapsulates contempt: a wife being contemptuous while her husband asks if she thinks she's better than him, and her correction — 'Better than I' — is a weapon of superiority disguised as grammar. John frames contempt as a Talmudic concept of murder: you're not attacking someone's behavior, you're annihilating their sense of self. [1] — John Gottman "Contempt is really a murder attempt at the person's sense of self. And the Jewish Talmud talks about it as murder. You know, you're destroy…" 59:49 Julie's repair is elegant: 'I feel insulted. I want to shrink away. I need you to flip what you said and tell me what you do want.' John responds with recognition rather than retaliation — 'I feel like I'm judging you' — and the conversation opens.
