Quote · Modern Wisdom
The Career Trap That Makes Women Miserable - Suzanne Venker - #1113
Where this was said
Is Living Together Before Marriage a Mistake?
At 59:43 · chapter starts 58:21
This chapter contains what may be the episode's sharpest empirical exchange. Chris asks about cohabitation timing and Venker explains her longstanding opposition to living together before engagement — not from religious conviction, but from the insight that people who cohabit slide into marriage rather than deciding it [1] — Suzanne Venker "Couples who move in together before engagement don't decide to get married — they slide into it through inertia. The lease, the dog, the sh…" 1:00:15 . The reasons you move in together are categorically different from the reasons you propose, and confusing the two leads to marriages entered on inertia rather than intention. Chris confirms the data: 31.4% divorce rate for pre-engagement cohabitants versus 25.9% for those who didn't cohabit. Earlier research puts the elevated risk at 20–50% depending on controls. He also raises the 'selection effect' objection — those who don't cohabit before marriage include highly religious communities with lower divorce rates for other reasons — but concludes the difference is too large to explain away entirely. The sliding-versus-deciding concept resonates strongly with both, and Venker gives practical advice: don't buy a house, don't take on financial entanglements, with someone you're not married to. The decision should be made with the most of your faculties intact, at a slight distance — which means don't already be living together when you make it.
Couples who move in together before engagement don't decide to get married — they slide into it through inertia. The lease, the dog, the shared finances: each one adds a link in the chain until breaking up costs too much. The reasons you 'shack up' are completely different from the reasons you get down on one knee, and conflating them is how people end up in marriages they never actually chose.
People who cohabited before marriage have a 31.4% divorce rate, compared to 25.9% for those who did not — and earlier research found cohabitation linked to 20–50% higher divorce risk.
Couples who cohabit before engagement often 'slide' into marriage through inertia rather than making a conscious, deliberate decision — a key driver of the cohabitation-divorce link.
