Quote · The Mel Robbins Podcast
Create a Happier Version of Yourself: Redirect Your Energy for Positive Thinking
Where this was said
Takeaway 3: Close the Exits — Are You 100% In?
At 51:30 · chapter starts 45:00
Mel introduces Harville Hendrix's concept of 'closing the exits' and expands it beyond romantic relationships: any exit — physical, emotional, or mental — prevents you from fully investing in where you are. For Oakley, the exit was his long-distance girlfriend. He spent weekends rushing back to his dorm to make phone calls, locking himself away from friends, using the relationship as an excuse not to engage. For Mel, it was physically driving to Boston on weekends to see old friends rather than building new ones in Vermont [1] — Mel Robbins "You can't fairly judge a situation you're only half in. Oakley was commuting home to see his girlfriend every weekend. Mel was driving back…" 45:00 . Both made it impossible to give the current chapter a fair chance. Oakley's breakthrough was the decision to go fully no-contact — not just breaking up, but burning the exit so he couldn't crawl back. He and his girlfriend had broken up freshman year but stayed in contact, reuniting within two months. The second time, they made the exit permanent, which for the first time forced Oakley to invest everything in college.
You can't fairly judge a situation you're only half in. Oakley was commuting home to see his girlfriend every weekend. Mel was driving back to Boston to see old friends. Both were using exits that prevented them from fully investing where they were. If you want honest data on whether a situation is right for you, you have to go all in first.
It is unfair to criticize a situation you haven't given 100%; keeping any kind of 'exit' — physical, emotional, or mental — prevents full investment.
Oakley and his girlfriend broke up freshman year — then kept talking, and got back together within two months because the exit was still open. Second time, they went fully no-contact. It was brutal. It also worked. Keeping any thread of an exit means you'll take it the moment things get hard.
Oakley credited going fully no-contact with his girlfriend at the start of second semester as the decisive act that forced him to invest 100% in college life.
If you genuinely change yourself and the situation still doesn't improve, that is your data signal it is time to leave the situation.
The fourth checklist item is the most actionable: have you actually changed your attitude, your energy, your actions? If yes, and the situation still hasn't improved after giving it a genuine year, that is your signal to leave without guilt. Most people, though, find they haven't changed yet — and that is the real problem.
