Quote · Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Anonymous: Family Secret
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Shane's Story: Crabs at a Cousin's London Wedding
At 26:13 · chapter starts 19:45
Shane's story is pure, escalating comic perfection. He boards a transatlantic flight to a cousin's wedding in London — sitting in the middle seat between his mother and a stranger — and begins to feel an unmistakable itch. By the time he and the family are installed in a tiny London home with 15 relatives, one bathroom, and zero solo mobility, he has confirmed the diagnosis: crabs. The stakes compound quickly. The wedding is two days away. He cannot confide in anyone, leave the house unescorted, or access a smartphone. His solution is audacious: he removes one crab, places it on his arm, walks into the family room, and shouts 'Oh my God, it's lice!' [1] — Shane "Shane boarded a flight to his cousin's traditional Indian wedding in London in 2008 and discovered mid-flight, squeezed between his mom and…" 19:45 . The ensuing panic is bigger than anticipated — the bride is stressed, the kids are being checked, the aunt jars the specimen. When no head lice are found, the household decides to hit the pharmacy as a group field trip. Shane stands surrounded by five relatives, spots a bottle labeled for both head lice AND genital crabs, pretends to deliberate for 30 theatrical seconds, and calmly points: 'I think this one is better' [2] — Shane "Standing at a London pharmacy surrounded by five family members all there to buy lice treatment, Shane spotted a bottle labeled for both he…" 27:46 . They buy enough for the house. The wedding proceeds. Seventeen years later, his mother still retells the story to Shane's wife — describing the crabs as 'bigger legs and much stronger' than normal Canadian lice.
Shane boarded a flight to his cousin's traditional Indian wedding in London in 2008 and discovered mid-flight, squeezed between his mom and a stranger, that he had crabs. Trapped in a tiny London home with 15 relatives, no car and no privacy, he devised a plan: move one crab to his arm, walk into the family room, and shout 'Oh my God, it's lice!'
Standing at a London pharmacy surrounded by five family members all there to buy lice treatment, Shane spotted a bottle labeled for both head lice and genital crabs. He pretended to deliberate for 30 seconds, then calmly pointed to it: 'I think this one is better.' No one questioned it. He bought enough for the whole house.
Shane's lice panic spiraled so far out of control that the mother of the bride was personally scalp-massaging Shane's 78-year-old grandmother with anti-lice shampoo.
Shane successfully concealed that his fake 'lice outbreak' at his cousin's London wedding was actually crabs for 17 years — his mother still retells it as a lice story.
Seventeen years after faking the lice outbreak at his cousin's wedding, Shane's mother retold the story to his wife — who already knew the truth. Her verdict on the mysterious bug? 'These weren't normal lice we have here in Canada. They had bigger legs and much stronger.' The secret is intact.
