Judgment as learned affection
Theo explains that being raised in a household where only judgmental looks were shown taught him that judgment was the currency of affection.
Where this was said
Voicemail: Raising Sons Without a Father (Jared from Indiana)
At 36:30 · chapter starts 35:00
Jared from Indiana has three boys, the youngest of whom he named after Theo. He never had a father and is trying to break that cycle. Theo's advice comes from the inside: write down what you didn't get, and you'll have your answers. For Theo, it would have been a father who placed a hand on the back of his neck — a small, non-judgmental physical gesture of presence. He was raised under what he estimates as '250% judgment,' which taught him that the only way to show affection was through judgment — judging others less meant you liked them more. He connects this to his adult difficulty with intimacy: judgment is a survival skill that helps you assess the world, but it'll keep you alone. He closes by wishing Jared a happy Father's Day and telling him that thinking about the question at all is evidence he's already doing better than the generation before.
Advice for a Fatherless Father Raising Three Boys
A caller raising three boys without ever having a father figure asked for guidance. Theo's answer — write down what you didn't get and you'll find your roadmap — comes wrapped in his own confession about growing up under 250% judgment.
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