Podbit · On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Riz Ahmed told people from marginalised backgrounds that the very thing creating resistance in their lives is also the key that unlocks something no one else can offer. He felt like an alien at Oxford. He's grateful now he stuck it out. The obstacle is the way.
Where this was said
At 1:18:40 · chapter starts 1:12:32
The episode closes with Jay's signature Final Five questions, brought to you by State Farm. Best advice ever received: Idris Elba's 'categorize yourself not' — stop internalising the limitations others place on you or you're doing their limiting work for them. [1] — Riz Ahmed "When Riz Ahmed hit a glass ceiling in the UK, Idris Elba told him simply: 'Categorize yourself not.' The point was devastating in its clari…" 1:16:15 Worst advice: a casting director who told the young Riz his wide, animated eyes made him look like a psychopath, leaving him stiff and self-conscious for years. Biggest lesson from his wife: devotion — to a path, a purpose, a creativity — as a form of prayer. Their love story began when she needed to borrow his laptop charger in a New York café; six years on, she still borrows it. What he prays for: health, the ability to provide with dignity (rozi roti), and for everyone he loves to be brought closer to their purpose. He also describes his first adult pilgrimage to Mecca as extraordinary — 50,000 people from every country on earth, masks stripped, walking in a circle together, a sense of oneness unlike anything he has experienced. [2] — Riz Ahmed "Riz Ahmed went to Mecca as a spiritually sceptical Muslim. What he found was something beyond religion: tens of thousands of people from ev…" 1:24:15 His one law for the world: everyone goes back to dumb phones, or at minimum, everyone agrees to put them away for stretches of the day. [3] — Riz Ahmed "Met his wife because she lost her laptop charger: Riz Ahmed met his wife (novelist Fatima Farheen Mirza) in a New York café when she needed…" 1:23:10 Time feels different without the phone. Ideas bubble up. He is a little bit closer to being obsessed with the Velcro on the shoe.
When Riz Ahmed hit a glass ceiling in the UK, Idris Elba told him simply: 'Categorize yourself not.' The point was devastating in its clarity — by pigeonholing yourself, you're doing other people's limiting work for them. Riz took the advice. He went to America.
Idris Elba told Riz Ahmed 'categorize yourself not' when Riz felt stuck in the UK — advice that unlocked his path to Hollywood.
We tell ourselves: when I'm successful, I'll finally be myself. Riz Ahmed flips it. The people who become most successful are the ones who were most unapologetically themselves first. Specificity and authenticity are what people are actually attracted to — not the polished, diluted version.
Riz Ahmed met his wife (novelist Fatima Farheen Mirza) in a New York café when she needed to borrow his laptop charger — and she still borrows it 6 years into their marriage.
Riz Ahmed went to Mecca as a spiritually sceptical Muslim. What he found was something beyond religion: tens of thousands of people from every country on earth, dressed identically, walking in a circle together — every mask stripped, a profound sense of oneness. He promised himself he'd bottle the feeling. He got back on his phone on the plane home.
More freedom doesn't produce more happiness — it produces more anxiety. Kierkegaard identified this 180 years ago: the more options you have, the more you feel the 'dizziness of freedom,' a paralytic unease at having to choose any single one. The freest generation in history is, by his prediction, exactly the most anxious.
Every person lives in constant tension between infinite possible selves and the finite, limited self they actually are. Tipping too far toward infinite possibility produces a loss of identity; too much confinement in the finite produces stagnation. Kierkegaard argued that this tension is never solved — only managed.
Standing outside a cold pool imagining reasons not to jump is the exact experience of pre-commitment anxiety. Once you jump, the shock passes and you wonder why you ever hesitated. The same mechanism governs every significant commitment in life — the dread is always on the outside, the relief on the inside.
Traditional societies had rites of passage that closed off childhood and opened adulthood. Modern society kept the in-between liminal phase but eliminated the ritual that resolved it. The result is 'emerging adulthood' — a decade or more stuck in the transition — engineered by rising education requirements, women entering the workforce, and delayed marriage.
When Mark Manson proposed to his wife, software he didn't know was running — the low-level assessment of sexual market value and other options — suddenly shut down. Commitment doesn't take freedom away. It trades optionality (freedom to do many things) for focus (freedom from distraction). John Dewey called these positive and negative freedom, and the latter is more powerful.
Mark Manson spent years as a location-independent digital nomad — always a new country, a new woman, a new venture. Then the diminishing returns kicked in: countries started feeling the same, dates felt identical, businesses all frustrated him. The cure wasn't more novelty. It was narrowing: one place, one person, one career.
Every meaningful commitment has a dip — an initial peak of excitement, a brutal trough of difficulty, and a second higher peak for those who push through. Institutions once kept people in the dip long enough to reach the other side. With infinite optionality and no institutions, everyone bails at the bottom and restarts the cycle of shallow first peaks.
Stage one — the aesthetic — is the default: chasing sensation, novelty, and keeping every door open. Stage two — the ethical — is learning to choose with eyes wide open, accepting the trade-offs. Stage three — the religious — is when a commitment becomes so total that it no longer feels like a choice. It just feels like who you are.
The ethical stage is rational commitment — you can explain your choices. The religious stage is when your commitment exceeds rational justification. You can't explain why. It just feels like it chose you. Kierkegaard called this the 'virtue of the absurd' — and it's represented not just in faith but in the entrepreneurs, artists, and athletes who can't imagine doing anything else.
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