Podbit · The Bill Simmons Podcast
At 12:30 AM, Bill Simmons convinced Zach Lowe he had attended Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce's wedding by dropping just enough detail to seem credible — Adam Sandler officiated, no tables, food courts everywhere, 1,500 people. Lowe was almost asking who his plus-one was before Simmons came clean.
Where this was said
At 1:18:15 · chapter starts 34:04
A listener question asking whether the Jaylen Brown trade belongs on the Mount Rushmore of malpractice deals opens Simmons' best list segment of the episode. The definitive 'oh no' trades: the Luka Doncic trade (the clear number one, 'different species of horrible'), Barkley to Phoenix for Hornacek, Lang, and Tim Perry ('immediately calling Joe House'), Harden to Houston, Philadelphia trading the 1986 number 1 pick for Roy Hinson and $750,000, Portland dealing Moses Malone for $232,000 and one pick only for Buffalo to flip him for two number 1s six days later, and the Utah Jazz trading the 1982 number 3 pick (Dominique Wilkins) for John Drew and $750,000. Zach Lowe correctly notes the Jaylen Brown trade isn't comparable to the Luka deal in magnitude. Conspiracy Bill gets multiple entries: the Kawhi-to-Toronto theory (Adam Silver secretly orchestrating the trade to punish the Clippers' Aspiration scheme involvement), and the idea that Ballmer buying the Seahawks and selling the Clippers would provide cover for a quiet punishment. Listeners also get the Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce wedding fake-out, the Brad Stevens Godfather Part III analogy, and a very credible theory about Celtics clearing space for Cooper Flagg in 2028.
Bill Simmons revealed he was coming out of anesthesia when his wife broke the Jaylen Brown trade news to him. He literally could not process it. Zach Lowe adds that multiple NBA executives called him that day asking 'Is Bill okay?' — and their reactions upon finding out where Simmons was were described as the most gleeful laughing he'd ever heard from grizzled veteran league men.
The Celtics went on a run to win 56 games in the 2024-25 regular season despite a shaky start, which makes the decision to trade Jaylen Brown even more debated.
Simmons puts Jaylen Brown's blame pie at 45% salary, 40% self-awareness and role questions, and the rest on analytics. Lowe goes higher on contract — at least 50%. The on-off metrics don't tell the full story when a player carries 37-minute loads, guards the best player every night, and plays hurt all season.
Zach Lowe argued Jaylen Brown's salary was at least 50% of the reason for his trade, while Bill Simmons attributed 45% to the contract and 40% to self-awareness issues.
Zach Lowe estimated Jamal Murray's salary at approximately $50-57 million per year, raising the question of whether Denver would face similar trade-value concerns as Boston did with Jaylen Brown.
Paul George has made 8 All-Star teams and averaged 21-6-4 for his career with 39% from three, a resume Bill Simmons tried to use to justify the Celtics' trade.
A broken pipe turned the Bad Friends studio into a hydrogen sulfide chamber. The crew denied smelling anything — which, as Andrew pointed out, makes their home lives deeply suspicious.
At a childhood sleepover in Sacramento, Bobby Lee's friends drew penises all over his face while he slept. He woke up, cried, and walked 7 miles down a dirt road before Eric Purvis's mom drove out to retrieve him.
On KSI's Make Me Laugh show, Bobby Lee got slapped so hard he fell and briefly blacked out — 5 minutes into the event. The rule was to use a tortilla, but the contestant used his bare hand instead.
What starts as a riff on Amber Alerts turns into an elaborate Speed remake: Bobby is a Hollywood tour guide whose bus shares a route with a kidnapper's identical bus, there's a bomb on board, and Keanu Reeves needs to be called immediately.
Their producer riffs a conspiracy theory about Lindsey Graham's death in Kyiv, which somehow leads to Bobby and Andrew discovering that every lyric of 'A Whole New World' from Aladdin secretly describes 9/11. They are disturbingly convincing.
Bobby Lee woke up Saturday morning to find three children splashing in his pool, along with a professionally hired swimming teacher — all arranged by friends who have keys to his house. His response: 'There's just too much joy here.'
Harold Ramis told a story about Caddyshack's cast doing drugs all day and night during Florida storm delays, with half their pay going to cocaine. Bobby Lee immediately wants to make that exact movie — and offers to relapse to do it.
Robby Hoffman had never heard of 'new towels.' A towel, in her world, was built with the house. When Sarah Silverman announced she'd bought new pool towels, it was a class-gap revelation.
Will Arnett pitched the perfect rich-person home for Robby: seven-hundred-thread-count sheets and brand-new towels — but a tiny, wrecked kitchen with a coil stove, chips, and Sprite. Best of both worlds.
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