Podbit · The Tim Dillon Show
Elon Musk has a trillion dollars. A billion isn't real money. A smoothie is $45 and an Uber to a suicide pod costs $89. Tim Dillon's mock graduation speech is darker and more honest than anything you'll hear at an Ivy League commencement.
Where this was said
At 47:20 · chapter starts 39:40
Tim introduces the Noah Baumbach segment after mentioning Elon Musk's trillion-dollar net worth, lamenting that Baumbach got a Vassar standing ovation while Tim can't even get a community college booking. The episode plays clips of the actual speech, in which Baumbach recounts receiving a stinging rejection letter for a college play he wrote at age 20, then re-reading it at age 45, still wounded. [1] — Tim Dillon "Noah Baumbach used his Vassar commencement speech to rehash a bad review he got for a college play 30 years ago — then revealed the reviewe…" 39:50 Tim is baffled by the crowd's rapturous reaction. The speech's most remarkable moment — Baumbach revealing he'd looked the critic up and discovered he'd died, 'putting to rest hopes of inviting him to the Oscars' — sends Tim into genuine disgust. [2] — Tim Dillon "How petulant, childish, and gross that you're using your commencement speech at Vassar to settle a score with a dead guy that didn't like a…" 44:25 Petulant, childish, and gross, he declares. He's careful to say Baumbach is genuinely talented, but he's furious that this is what passes for wisdom at elite institutions: a famous director settling a score with a corpse in front of a crowd of 22-year-olds. The commencement speech genre itself comes under fire — it's either masturbatory clichés like Baumbach's, Tim argues, or someone menacing you into AI adoption. He prefers the latter for its honesty.
Elon Musk has reportedly crossed the trillion-dollar net worth threshold, which Tim Dillon used as a comedic touchstone for his mock commencement speech about economic inequality.
Noah Baumbach used his Vassar commencement speech to rehash a bad review he got for a college play 30 years ago — then revealed the reviewer was dead and he'd hoped to invite him to the Oscars. Tim Dillon calls it petulant, childish, and gross.
A Stanford electrical engineering grad who started at Fresno City College gives a commencement speech acknowledging that some in the crowd came from prison cells and are still running from past versions of themselves. Tim Dillon is shocked to find it more haunting than his own jokes.
A broken pipe turned the Bad Friends studio into a hydrogen sulfide chamber. The crew denied smelling anything — which, as Andrew pointed out, makes their home lives deeply suspicious.
At a childhood sleepover in Sacramento, Bobby Lee's friends drew penises all over his face while he slept. He woke up, cried, and walked 7 miles down a dirt road before Eric Purvis's mom drove out to retrieve him.
On KSI's Make Me Laugh show, Bobby Lee got slapped so hard he fell and briefly blacked out — 5 minutes into the event. The rule was to use a tortilla, but the contestant used his bare hand instead.
What starts as a riff on Amber Alerts turns into an elaborate Speed remake: Bobby is a Hollywood tour guide whose bus shares a route with a kidnapper's identical bus, there's a bomb on board, and Keanu Reeves needs to be called immediately.
Their producer riffs a conspiracy theory about Lindsey Graham's death in Kyiv, which somehow leads to Bobby and Andrew discovering that every lyric of 'A Whole New World' from Aladdin secretly describes 9/11. They are disturbingly convincing.
Bobby Lee woke up Saturday morning to find three children splashing in his pool, along with a professionally hired swimming teacher — all arranged by friends who have keys to his house. His response: 'There's just too much joy here.'
Harold Ramis told a story about Caddyshack's cast doing drugs all day and night during Florida storm delays, with half their pay going to cocaine. Bobby Lee immediately wants to make that exact movie — and offers to relapse to do it.
Robby Hoffman had never heard of 'new towels.' A towel, in her world, was built with the house. When Sarah Silverman announced she'd bought new pool towels, it was a class-gap revelation.
Will Arnett pitched the perfect rich-person home for Robby: seven-hundred-thread-count sheets and brand-new towels — but a tiny, wrecked kitchen with a coil stove, chips, and Sprite. Best of both worlds.
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