Podbit · 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer pitched their movie to Nick Kroll live on air: four FBI agents, a van blown up by ISIS, all four left quadriplegic, hunt down the people responsible. The Quad Squad. Nick immediately signed on — but only if it's all practical effects, Daniel Day-Lewis style. Eddie Murphy is the head.
Where this was said
At 1:01:18 · chapter starts 54:54
The pivot comes from Tom describing footage of a quadruple amputee who allegedly committed a gun murder — a man shown loading a magazine, pulling the action, and firing out a window, as well as doing cocaine upside down in a tree stand. From this genuine amazement at the human capacity to adapt, Tom and Bert produce their movie pitch: The Quad Squad. Four FBI agents, one ISIS van explosion, four quadriplegics. The mission: find the people who did this to them. [1] — Bert Kreischer "Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer pitched their movie to Nick Kroll live on air: four FBI agents, a van blown up by ISIS, all four left quadrip…" 1:01:18 Nick Kroll says he's in before Tom finishes the sentence, but issues one creative note: the whole thing has to be practical. No CGI. He will go full Daniel Day-Lewis. His character has no arms or legs at all. The casting is resolved in real time — Eddie Murphy is the head in a Voltron configuration, with Tom and Bert forming the lower body inside a large overcoat. The pitch is immediately identified as Bert's best path back to Eddie Murphy.
Bert Kreischer's gym teacher told him that javelin was banned in Florida because Michael Landon killed a man at a track meet. The story crumbles immediately under fact-checking — Landon went to high school in New Jersey, not Florida — but the group confirms he did throw javelins competitively, and the truth remains elusive. The legend lives.
A broken pipe turned the Bad Friends studio into a hydrogen sulfide chamber. The crew denied smelling anything — which, as Andrew pointed out, makes their home lives deeply suspicious.
At a childhood sleepover in Sacramento, Bobby Lee's friends drew penises all over his face while he slept. He woke up, cried, and walked 7 miles down a dirt road before Eric Purvis's mom drove out to retrieve him.
On KSI's Make Me Laugh show, Bobby Lee got slapped so hard he fell and briefly blacked out — 5 minutes into the event. The rule was to use a tortilla, but the contestant used his bare hand instead.
What starts as a riff on Amber Alerts turns into an elaborate Speed remake: Bobby is a Hollywood tour guide whose bus shares a route with a kidnapper's identical bus, there's a bomb on board, and Keanu Reeves needs to be called immediately.
Their producer riffs a conspiracy theory about Lindsey Graham's death in Kyiv, which somehow leads to Bobby and Andrew discovering that every lyric of 'A Whole New World' from Aladdin secretly describes 9/11. They are disturbingly convincing.
Bobby Lee woke up Saturday morning to find three children splashing in his pool, along with a professionally hired swimming teacher — all arranged by friends who have keys to his house. His response: 'There's just too much joy here.'
Harold Ramis told a story about Caddyshack's cast doing drugs all day and night during Florida storm delays, with half their pay going to cocaine. Bobby Lee immediately wants to make that exact movie — and offers to relapse to do it.
Robby Hoffman had never heard of 'new towels.' A towel, in her world, was built with the house. When Sarah Silverman announced she'd bought new pool towels, it was a class-gap revelation.
Will Arnett pitched the perfect rich-person home for Robby: seven-hundred-thread-count sheets and brand-new towels — but a tiny, wrecked kitchen with a coil stove, chips, and Sprite. Best of both worlds.
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