Quote · Multiamory: Rethinking Modern Relationships
578 - Getting Back Together with an Ex: Great Idea or Terrible Idea?
Where this was said
The Commitment Equation & Why Alternatives Change Everything
At 35:33 · chapter starts 34:00
Jace unpacks the relationship commitment equation: a person's sense of commitment is governed by their positives minus negatives (feelings about the relationship itself), multiplied or modified by their investment in it, and then reduced by their perception of available alternatives. [1] — Jace Lindgren "The relationship commitment equation weighs positives minus negatives against investment, and then subtracts the perception of alternatives…" 34:10 The same formula explains workplace behaviour — people who browse job boards feel more likely to quit, not because their job has gotten worse but simply because their perceived alternatives have improved. Applied to dating, a shrinking pool (because people are partnering up or aren't to one's taste) makes a familiar, pre-vetted ex look more attractive even if nothing about them has actually changed. Emily returns to the 2009 qualitative follow-up study confirming this: participants who went back to exes often did so not because anything had improved in the original relationship, but because the alternatives were disappointing. [2] — Emily Matlack "A 2009 qualitative study found that people often went back to exes not because the relationship had improved, but because new dating experi…" 33:25 The group agrees the key question remains: are you going back because it was genuinely good and could be better, or because the other options felt worse?
The relationship commitment equation weighs positives minus negatives against investment, and then subtracts the perception of alternatives. The same formula explains why browsing LinkedIn makes you want to quit your job — and why a dwindling dating pool makes an ex's stock mysteriously rise.
