Tom estimates he'll live to 77
Tom Segura said he thinks 77 would be the best-case scenario for his lifespan, citing family genetics and a likelihood of dying from cancer.
Snapshot · 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Patrice O’Neal Destroyed Me | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
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Jun 15, 2026
Where this was said
Nick Kroll, Andrew Schultz & the Balloon Clown Apology
At 1:03:17 · chapter starts 57:00
Nick Kroll comes up — Bert thinks Nick would come to his funeral, Tom thinks Nick would only show if lunch didn't run long that day. Then Bert gets to Andrew Schultz. He doesn't want the apology while he's alive. They're fine now. But at the funeral — after Bert's gone — he wants Schultz to approach Leanne privately and say he's sorry about the balloon clown thing, that he knows Bert held onto it his entire life and died with a chip on his shoulder about it. [1] — Bert Kreischer "Bert wants one specific thing at his funeral: Andrew Schultz approaching his wife privately and apologizing for the balloon clown incident,…" 59:25 Tom can't believe the specificity. Bert then connects this to his deeper issue with clowns in general: comedian Zach Amico dresses like a clown as part of his persona, and Bert identifies with Amico but cannot get past the clown costume enough to connect with him. He would leave a Kill Tony show if a clown appeared. He will not get into it further.
The Andrew Schultz Balloon Clown Apology
Bert wants one specific thing at his funeral: Andrew Schultz approaching his wife privately and apologizing for the balloon clown incident, acknowledging that Bert carried the chip his entire life and died with it. Bert insists they're fine now — he just wants the apology delivered after he's dead.
Bert expects to live to 88
Bert Kreischer said he believes he will live to 88, citing his physical health, young energy, and the fact that he started lifting weights later in life so his joints are not damaged.
Bert's Dad Crashes the Funeral Planning Podcast
Mid-funeral-planning discussion, Bert's dad calls in. He clarifies he doesn't have cancer — just cataracts. He wants both a funeral and a celebration of life, is annoyed Bert is being cheap, and scolds Tom for never calling. Tom didn't go to his own dad's funeral, which earns a 'what a dick' from Mr. Kreischer Sr.
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