Podbit · 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Mid-funeral-planning discussion, Bert's dad calls in. He clarifies he doesn't have cancer — just cataracts. He wants both a funeral and a celebration of life, is annoyed Bert is being cheap, and scolds Tom for never calling. Tom didn't go to his own dad's funeral, which earns a 'what a dick' from Mr. Kreischer Sr.
Where this was said
At 1:03:00 · chapter starts 57:00
Nick Kroll comes up — Bert thinks Nick would come to his funeral, Tom thinks Nick would only show if lunch didn't run long that day. Then Bert gets to Andrew Schultz. He doesn't want the apology while he's alive. They're fine now. But at the funeral — after Bert's gone — he wants Schultz to approach Leanne privately and say he's sorry about the balloon clown thing, that he knows Bert held onto it his entire life and died with a chip on his shoulder about it. [1] — Bert Kreischer "Bert wants one specific thing at his funeral: Andrew Schultz approaching his wife privately and apologizing for the balloon clown incident,…" 59:25 Tom can't believe the specificity. Bert then connects this to his deeper issue with clowns in general: comedian Zach Amico dresses like a clown as part of his persona, and Bert identifies with Amico but cannot get past the clown costume enough to connect with him. He would leave a Kill Tony show if a clown appeared. He will not get into it further.
Bert wants one specific thing at his funeral: Andrew Schultz approaching his wife privately and apologizing for the balloon clown incident, acknowledging that Bert carried the chip his entire life and died with it. Bert insists they're fine now — he just wants the apology delivered after he's dead.
Bert Kreischer said he believes he will live to 88, citing his physical health, young energy, and the fact that he started lifting weights later in life so his joints are not damaged.
Tom Segura said he thinks 77 would be the best-case scenario for his lifespan, citing family genetics and a likelihood of dying from cancer.
A broken pipe turned the Bad Friends studio into a hydrogen sulfide chamber. The crew denied smelling anything — which, as Andrew pointed out, makes their home lives deeply suspicious.
At a childhood sleepover in Sacramento, Bobby Lee's friends drew penises all over his face while he slept. He woke up, cried, and walked 7 miles down a dirt road before Eric Purvis's mom drove out to retrieve him.
On KSI's Make Me Laugh show, Bobby Lee got slapped so hard he fell and briefly blacked out — 5 minutes into the event. The rule was to use a tortilla, but the contestant used his bare hand instead.
What starts as a riff on Amber Alerts turns into an elaborate Speed remake: Bobby is a Hollywood tour guide whose bus shares a route with a kidnapper's identical bus, there's a bomb on board, and Keanu Reeves needs to be called immediately.
Their producer riffs a conspiracy theory about Lindsey Graham's death in Kyiv, which somehow leads to Bobby and Andrew discovering that every lyric of 'A Whole New World' from Aladdin secretly describes 9/11. They are disturbingly convincing.
Bobby Lee woke up Saturday morning to find three children splashing in his pool, along with a professionally hired swimming teacher — all arranged by friends who have keys to his house. His response: 'There's just too much joy here.'
Harold Ramis told a story about Caddyshack's cast doing drugs all day and night during Florida storm delays, with half their pay going to cocaine. Bobby Lee immediately wants to make that exact movie — and offers to relapse to do it.
Robby Hoffman had never heard of 'new towels.' A towel, in her world, was built with the house. When Sarah Silverman announced she'd bought new pool towels, it was a class-gap revelation.
Will Arnett pitched the perfect rich-person home for Robby: seven-hundred-thread-count sheets and brand-new towels — but a tiny, wrecked kitchen with a coil stove, chips, and Sprite. Best of both worlds.
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