Speaker
Bert Kreischer
Appearances over time
7 episodes
Episodes
7
Fat Tommy Vs Skinny Tom | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Tom Poops The Bucket, Bert Shit The Bed | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Patrice O’Neal Destroyed Me | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Nick Kroll Convinced Netflix to Air Animated Animal Sex | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Live from the Rose Bowl | 2 Bears 5K ft. Jelly Roll, Ari Shaffir, Joe DeRosa & Are You Garbage?
The Bears Go Up In Smoke | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
The End Is Here w/ Ari Shaffir | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Podcasts
Quotes & moments
Patrice O'Neal's first words to Bert Kreischer were that Bert bombed so hard he made Patrice bomb too, and that Bert couldn't even clean the room of his smell.
Bert's Whoop device registered his biological age as 60 years old on the exact day he suffered a blood clot.
Jelly Roll started the 2 Bears 5K journey at over 500 pounds and now weighs between 250 and 270 pounds, a loss of nearly 300 pounds.
Bad Thoughts Season 2 was edited in just 2 months compared to 6 months for Season 1, yet is performing better than the first season.
Bad Thoughts Season 2 went viral primarily among Black audiences online, with viewers sharing clips saying 'y'all got to watch this shit' without even knowing Bert's name.
When Bert was hospitalized with a blood clot, his blood pressure was 170 over 110, so dangerously high nurses turned the monitor away from him.
Bert and Patrice O'Neal lived together for 29 days in Edinburgh during the Fringe Festival, watching Bruce Lee movies and Patrice dismantling Bert's feelings.
Bert Kreischer had shirts custom-made because he was too large to buy one off the rack from any store.
After 25 days living together, Bert said he was glad they became friends, and Patrice told him flatly they were not friends and he pitied Bert for thinking his TV deals meant something.
Bert Kreischer explains that people assumed he had lip injections after losing weight, when in reality his lips just looked bigger once his face fat shrank.
Bert Kreischer said hearing from a fellow comedian about your comedy output feels like hearing from 10,000 regular fans.
After his health transformation, Bert now takes his blood pressure daily and sends it to his cardiologist — this morning it was a near-perfect 111 over 72.
Studies cited in the BetterHelp ad read show 88% of Americans report feeling some form of financial stress.
Bert Kreischer announced he has lost 50 pounds, hasn't drunk in 4 months, and his body fat percentage dropped 19%.
After consistent training, Bert's Whoop biological age has fallen from 60 to 56, dropping roughly 6 months per week.
Bert pitches a serious business strategy: everyone should have a merch drop ready for the day they die. His friend Jeff Mercer moved approximately 700 shirts at his celebration of life with 700 attendees. Bert wants Tom to handle production when it's his turn and take a cut off the top — but not tell Leanne.
Tom Segura's DMT experience lasted about 15 minutes, but not in a chill way. His entire visual field turned into a black-and-white sketchbook drawing and he was terrified it was permanent. Then the visuals shifted to surfacing unresolved thoughts — grief, death, purpose — which he found genuinely rewarding.
Bad Thoughts Season 2 was edited in just two months — half the time of Season 1. Bert credits the post team and directors entirely, calling the schedule 'insane.' The payoff: the season is outperforming the first, which Tom says is virtually unheard of.
Tom Segura discovered at 3am — mid-bathroom trip — that Shane Gillis had never once reached out about his TV show, even though Shane texted Bert praise for Bad Thoughts. Tom has known Shane longer and considers himself closer to him. He's still mad.
Sobriety didn't make Bert kinder — it made him meaner. He's started refusing unreasonable work requests flat-out, leaving events when he wants, and pushing back on anyone who talks to him sideways. He thinks it's pent-up years of being the guy everyone assumed would just go along.
Tom Segura delivers the perfect skewering: Bert's health, sleep, mental clarity, relationships, and self-insight are all dramatically better in sobriety — and he's still planning to go back to drinking. Tom lists every single improvement while Bert just laughs and says 'I will fucking drink as much as I want.'
Bert Kreischer accidentally defecated in his sleep, thought it was a fart, woke up, went to the gym, worked out, came home, and only discovered the evidence during his post-workout shower. His wife walked in and said 'it smells like balls in here.' He told her it wasn't balls.
Bert calls his father live on the podcast to confirm his legendary history of public bowel accidents. His dad underplays it massively — 'maybe 3 times' — while Bert insists the number is closer to 2,000, recalling phone calls from 7-Elevens and retrieving him from orange groves covered in feces.
Bert and Tom develop a theory that gut problems stem from eating outside your genetic ancestry. Tom suggests Bert, being half-Peruvian, should eat the Peruvian diet — potatoes, quinoa, lean meats, corn — while Tom, German-Irish, should stick to dark bread, pork, and cabbage. They look up both diets and it mostly checks out.
Bad Thoughts Season 2 is dominating Black social media — and Bert Kreischer didn't see it coming. Fans are filming their TVs and saying 'I don't remember old boy's name but y'all got to watch this shit,' which Bert calls a perfect illustration of his philosophy: you throw creative work out there, and you have zero control over who responds.
Bert is planning his first mushroom trip with a 'hero dose' and tells Tom he needs a shaman. Tom immediately agrees to do a full Two Bears, One Cave episode where both of them eat mushrooms guided by an actual shaman. Tom adds he also wants to do DMT. Bert says absolutely not.
Tom Segura is doing a full gut-health investigation that requires him to defecate into a bucket, scoop samples into separate vials at three different temperatures, and deliver them to a lab. His goal: figure out why he can eat chicken and rice and have a wild shit, then eat a cheeseburger and be totally fine.
After 25 days living together and Bert getting a CBS deal, an FX show, and a Fox development deal simultaneously, Bert told Patrice he was glad they became friends. Patrice told him flatly they were not friends, that he pitied Bert, and that without a foundation every deal he'd just gotten meant nothing. Then he asked if he could stay at Bert's parents' house in Tampa — because they're not friends.
For 29 days in Edinburgh, Bert Kreischer and Patrice O'Neal lived together — watching Bruce Lee movies, listening to Jay-Z, and Patrice teaching Bert about Mobb Deep while systematically destroying him. Patrice was brutal to everyone around them, no audience required. The cerebral palsy girlfriend stories are staggering.
Bert and Tom contrast the locker room culture they grew up with — mandatory communal showers, senior classmates naked at 18 — against their Gen Z assistants who panic if they even glimpse their boss in underwear. Bert is genuinely baffled that an entire generation can't handle casual male nudity.
Analysis
What they talk about
- Society & Culture 32%
- Health & Fitness 24%
- Comedy 23%
- Arts 8%
- History 7%
- Business 4%
- Music 2%
Connections
Shows they appear on and people they share episodes with. Drag to explore.
