The episode kicks off in characteristically casual fashion — a quick 'cheers' and Tom's welcome to Studio Bert. Within seconds, they're already teeing up the first major topic, with Bert ready to dig into something that's been blowing up online.

Bert opens by describing a surreal phenomenon: Bad Thoughts Season 2 is dominating Black social media, with viewers filming their TVs and sharing clips saying 'y'all got to watch this crazy shit,' often without knowing who Bert even is. ^{[1] — Bert Kreischer "Bad Thoughts Season 2 is dominating Black social media — and Bert Kreischer didn't see it coming. Fans are filming their TVs and saying 'I …" 00:14 Play} He frames this as a perfect illustration of his creative philosophy — you make something, throw it out there, and whoever responds, responds — it's entirely out of your control. Tom congratulates Bert on topping charts for weeks and points out the remarkable feat of Season 2 outperforming Season 1 despite being made in half the time: just 2 months of post-production versus 6. The mood turns mock-sour when Tom reveals he only discovered at 3am — while getting up to urinate — that Shane Gillis, who praised Bert's work, never once acknowledged Tom's own TV show. Tom notes he's known Shane longer and considers himself closer, yet Shane offered only vague 'acting coaching' when Tom was going into production. Robert Kelly also comes up as another no-show on the congratulations front. The segment is a masterclass in comedy-world social politics delivered with complete earnestness.

With a Mountain Dew in hand, Bert confirms he genuinely loves the brand — he can taste the difference between regular and diet. The two hosts riff on what makes Mountain Dew quintessentially summer: rope swings, lakes, fishing with the boys. Bert's most anticipated summer activity is taking his kids fishing, calling it his favorite memory of growing up. The segment culminates in a creative pitch: rather than scripting a conventional ad, the hosts invite fans to submit their wildest American summer ideas to [email protected], promising to build a genuinely bizarre sizzle reel from the submissions. Tom compares the vision to Homer Simpson being given a license to design his own car — maximum fan input, maximum chaos.

Bert opens this chapter with a genuinely touching observation about aging and status: in your 30s, the currency is money and career; in your 50s, it's health. He arrived at a weekend party and realized he was the best-looking person there — men his age were getting hip replacements and heart stents while he was in peak shape. Having been the broke guy at richer friends' houses for decades, the reversal feels like a genuine victory. He jokes that his wife 'got a penny stock and shined it,' and that she's still getting 'the beast in the bedroom.' The segment takes a turn when Bert mentions Leanne has put him on an audiobook about the conscious versus subconscious mind, which he finds 'horseshit' — a woman who convinced herself her back pain was psychosomatic and it went away, which Howard Stern apparently also experienced. The book's intended application: help Bert manage his relationship with alcohol before he starts drinking again.

Bert discloses that Tom came up in his therapy session when Bert was discussing mushrooms as a possible transition tool before returning to drinking. He told his therapist Tom does DMT and the therapist's eyes lit up — particularly when Bert mentioned Tom had done it 'in a hotel room,' prompting Leanne to ask what DMT even is. Tom takes over to describe the experience in remarkable detail: the first phase was his entire visual field converting to a black-and-white sketchbook rendering of reality, which he genuinely feared was permanent. He closed his eyes, reopened them, and everything was still sketched — terrifying. The second phase was more rewarding: shelved thoughts surfaced for examination, including grief about his father, death, and purpose. ^{[1] — Tom Segura "Tom Segura's DMT experience lasted about 15 minutes, but not in a chill way. His entire visual field turned into a black-and-white sketchbo…" 18:27 Play} Tom's assessment is that DMT forces you to look at things you'd normally avoid, which is its core value. He notes the entire experience lasted roughly 15 minutes. Bert confesses he hasn't done it in a while, and the conversation drifts briefly through kratom and ecstasy before the Ultra Pouches ad read.

Bert traces his new assertiveness to sobriety revealing a pattern he hadn't seen before: when he was drinking, people treated him as someone who could be placated with a 12-pack and would just go along. Sober, he notices that energy still permeates and he's done tolerating it. ^{[1] — Bert Kreischer "Sobriety didn't make Bert kinder — it made him meaner. He's started refusing unreasonable work requests flat-out, leaving events when he wa…" 26:05 Play} He gives a concrete example: on the day of his final arena show of a tour, someone emailed asking him to come into the office for a 30-minute camera test. Old Bert would have gone. New Bert said no, was told 'you don't understand,' and replied 'I do understand, and I'm telling you no.' Tom observes that Bert attended the Bad Thoughts screening and left after greeting people, which Bert loved — it's a behavior he's always admired in Tom but never felt he could replicate as a people-pleaser. Tom makes the key distinction: setting boundaries and saying no is not the same as being nasty, and Bert should stop conflating the two. He's simply developing standards.

Bert recommends the A-Rod documentary as a gripping portrait of a child prodigy who leveraged Hall of Fame talent to do steroids and became a genuine narcissist, whose own kids say there are 'two people — dad and A-Rod.' Bert relates to that split personality, along with Hulk Hogan. He then offers a more unexpected analogy: Black girls dancing at graduation ceremonies. He sees himself as the girl doing the celebration dance, making the moment about herself, but sober Bert now also sees the perspective of the person whose name isn't being heard because someone else is dancing. Kevin Hart's son running up to pop a confetti cannon during another student's name announcement crystallized it for him. ^{[1] — Tom Segura "Every marker that is possible in your life to observe and note is 1,000 times better. And you're just like, I'm fucking drinking. You're li…" 33:50 Play} The segment culminates in Tom's brutal and perfectly delivered observation: Bert's sleep, health, thoughts, self-awareness, boundaries, and personal relationships are all dramatically better in sobriety — and Bert's response is still 'I will drink as much as I want.' Bert laughs and agrees. They briefly discuss the Rafa Nadal documentary, with Tom recalling watching Nadal dethrone Federer at the French Open circa 2004-2006 and noting Rafa's OCD-like rituals at the sideline.

Bert's Hims read is more testimonial than scripted ad: he recalls the moment he first noticed his hairline receding as 'the first foot in the grave,' and says his hair has visibly changed after just 3 months on finasteride and minoxidil. He links the results to improved self-esteem and confidence. Tom takes the Babbel segment and works in some Italian — 'Mi piace provare a parlare italiano' — to demonstrate the product, then delivers the key stats: 25 million subscriptions sold, 14 languages available, lessons designed to produce real conversational ability in as little as 3 weeks. Both ads are natural in tone and integrated smoothly into the episode's flow.

With mushrooms on their way via a mutual friend, Bert clarifies he's not doing a child's dose — he wants a hero dose, though he'll ease in with double a microdose first. What he really needs, he insists, is a shaman. Tom immediately says yes to recording a full podcast episode with both of them eating mushrooms guided by an actual shaman in Los Angeles, and adds he also wants DMT on the menu. Bert refuses the DMT add-on. The conversation shifts to Tom's gut health investigation, ^{[1] — Tom Segura "Tom Segura is doing a full gut-health investigation that requires him to defecate into a bucket, scoop samples into separate vials at three…" 48:24 Play} which may be the most unusual health story this podcast has ever produced: he must defecate into a bucket, scoop samples into separate vials maintained at room temperature, refrigerated, and frozen, then deliver them to a lab. His doctor specifically asked for a 'bad one.' The goal is to explain why his bowels are completely unpredictable — great food producing terrible results and vice versa. He and Bert compare daily bowel schedules in sincere detail, including Tom's trick of eating a jalapeño as a tracker to measure gastric transit time.

Bert's revelation arrives with the casual delivery of a man who has genuinely processed it: he soiled himself in his sleep, thought it was a fart, went to the gym, completed a workout, came home, showered, and only discovered the truth when he wiped his backside with a towel and found fecal matter on both cheeks. His wife Leanne walked in and said 'it smells like balls in here.' Bert corrected her. ^{[1] — Bert Kreischer "Bert calls his father live on the podcast to confirm his legendary history of public bowel accidents. His dad underplays it massively — 'ma…" 54:49 Play} Rather than being horrified, the hosts treat this as a perfectly normal data point in the broader gut health conversation. Tom responds with his own family anecdote: his father once farted while watching TV in bed, defecated on the comforter, flipped the comforter over, and declared 'it's just a little bit of shit' before going back to sleep. Bert then calls his own father live on the podcast to corroborate his childhood memories of a man who routinely soiled himself in public — being retrieved from orange groves and 7-Elevens covered in feces. His dad claims it happened maybe 3 times. Bert estimates 2,000. The call ends with his dad recommending Tom get his stool examined.

The transition from the bathroom conversation to locker rooms is seamless: Bert's assistant Kyle is deeply uncomfortable with male nudity, a trait Bert can't understand given his own upbringing. High school meant communal showers with 50 guys, including 18-year-old seniors with fully developed bodies visible to 13-year-old freshmen. Bert confesses he'd try to get slightly aroused before entering just so things wouldn't look small. He and Tom swap memories of locker room hazing — being urinated on as a freshman prank, joke masturbation as a social performance, doors removed from fraternity house bathroom stalls. Both hosts express genuine bafflement that an entire generation now finds casual male nudity alarming. Pete Davidson's anatomy comes up as a famous-dick conversation starter. Tom notes his associate Andy has the same aversion — he doesn't even like seeing men kiss. Bert and Tom agree this represents a cultural loss.

Bert offers his prediction for Tom's gut lab results: a dietary pivot, specifically toward Peruvian ancestral foods like potatoes, quinoa, choclo, and lean meats. His theory is that while American food culture has become a global melting pot, human digestive systems are still genetically calibrated to whatever their ancestors ate for generations. ^{[1] — Bert Kreischer "Bert and Tom develop a theory that gut problems stem from eating outside your genetic ancestry. Tom suggests Bert, being half-Peruvian, sho…" 1:01:30 Play} Tom looks up a traditional Germanic diet — pork, dark bread, potatoes, cabbage — and Bert looks up Peruvian — rice, legumes, quinoa, fresh fish, potato. Both hosts find their respective diets genuinely appealing. They discuss the data point that 70-80% of Black people have lactose non-persistence as a supporting example of genetic dietary specificity. Bert jokes about typing 'what do Black people like eating' into a search engine and thinks better of it. Tom wraps up promising to report back with lab results, Bert signs off with 'I'm going to go shit in a bucket,' and the episode closes on the Two Bears jingle before a Zocdoc ad.