Before the formal intro even kicks in, Bert and Tom are already deep in a bit about surviving marriage to a difficult personality. Bert describes his wife Leanne as a 'rescue dog' whose occasional bitchiness he's become completely numb to — the way, he jokes, Black people don't hear their fire alarms. The analogy spirals into a broader reflection on marriage as a long game: the times your partner makes life hard for you are balanced by the times they make life hard for everyone else on your behalf. Tom shares a parallel memory of watching his own father zone out completely as his mother was a nightmare to others, concluding that emotional disconnection is simply how men survive long marriages. It's light, warm, and sets the loose conversational energy that defines the rest of the episode.

The news that Por Osos is now on Publix shelves sends both hosts into a full Floridian reverie. Tom, a Midwesterner by upbringing, reflects on how you don't understand regional grocery loyalty until you move away — Kroger's in the Midwest, H-E-B in Texas, and Publix as the undisputed crown jewel of Florida. Bert launches into a meticulous defense of the Pub Sub marination technique: you eat half, let the rest sit in the fridge, then flip it so the bread gets properly wet on the bottom. ^{[1] — Bert Kreischer "Por Osos vodka landing in Publix triggers a full Floridian nostalgia spiral about pub subs, boat days, and Bert taking his daughters into '…" 02:21 Play} He recounts a perfect boat day in St. Pete where he took his daughters and Leanne out to an island in the Gulf, handed them High Noons and told them they were in 'international waters,' and ate pub subs in the sun. The segment closes with a sincere plug for Por Osos: buy one, get one free at Publix for the Fourth of July, and this is the 250th anniversary of America's founding.

The Shopify read frames the platform as the business partner YMH Studios wishes they'd had from the start, noting it powers 10% of US e-commerce. Bert then delivers a deeply personal Hims ad, detailing his hair-loss journey: he only started paying attention to thinning after he lost weight and had nothing else to fixate on. He's been using finasteride and minoxidil from Hims for three months and reports significant regrowth at the crown. The read is characteristic Bert — self-deprecating, specific, and convincing precisely because it's so nakedly honest. He notes the product works in three to six months based on clinical studies, and he claims he's personally seeing results after three.

Bert has been laughing about this all morning and can't wait to tell Tom. The inventor of the meter — defined as one millionth of the distance between France and the North Pole — organized a grand unveiling with a gold bar on a velvet table, dramatically revealed it to a room of dignitaries, and said: 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is the meter.' The room had no idea what he was showing them, and his explanation ('it's this distance, trust me, I did the math') convinced no one. ^{[1] — Bert Kreischer "The man who invented the meter — 1 millionth of the distance between Earth and the North Pole — unveiled it on a velvet table to a room ful…" 18:50 Play} Then the French Revolution got him. Bert's central thesis: this is the original cancel culture. The Reign of Terror under Robespierre was arbitrary — you get executed not for crimes but for ideas that unsettle people, the same way someone got canceled in 2020 for having friends over during COVID. Bert finds the parallel genuinely insightful rather than flippant, and Tom largely agrees.

The BetterHelp read is personal — Bert and his wife are in therapy together, partly because Bert's FOMO leads him to try to cram everything into summer while bothering everyone around him. He notes the platform has served over 6 million people and carries a 4.9-star rating from over 1.7 million reviews. The NetSuite read positions the ERP as the solution to businesses wondering how to make AI work for them, targeting companies with at least seven figures in revenue. The DraftKings read gets into the World Cup being hosted in North America for the first time — Bert's excited that he won't have to wake up at 2 a.m. to find a bar showing the match. New customers get $200 in rewards for spending $5 with code BEARS.

The Patrice stories begin with Shane Gillis's roast sensibility reminding Bert of Patrice. From there, Bert confesses Tom never met Patrice, then launches into total recall. ^{[1] — Bert Kreischer "Patrice O'Neal's first words to Bert Kreischer were that Bert bombed so hard he made Patrice bomb after him, and that Bert couldn't even cl…" 33:54 Play} First encounter: Bert bombs at a club, goes offstage, and Patrice immediately tells him 'you bombed so hard you made me bomb' and that Bert couldn't clean the room of his own smell. It wasn't a roast joke — it was a genuine assessment. Then Bert watched Patrice do the same to Todd Barry: no laughs, no performance, just Patrice telling Todd to his face that he would never panel successfully. ^{[2] — Bert Kreischer "You bombed so hard, you made me bomb. You got it, man. If you're going to bomb like that, you got to do it in different rooms. You couldn't…" 35:10 Play} The Edinburgh setup comes next: they need to tape an audition set at Caroline's for the Fringe Festival application, and right before Bert goes on, Patrice grabs his carefully prepared setlist and rips it in half. His reasoning: Bert's better when he just talks. Bert had an okay set. Not great — but okay. It was enough.

Bert is riding high — TV show, money, Hollywood apartment — and rents a party bus to take his friends to watch Patrice tape his Showtime special at the Brea Improv alongside Gary Goldman and another Jim Brewer nobody can look up. He warns everyone they won't like Patrice, because he's not friends with him — or so he tells them. Patrice sabotages the first taping with material that isn't his best. After the show, at the Embassy Suites after-party, Patrice pulls Bert aside and asks what he's doing there. Bert says he came to see Patrice do stand-up. Patrice says: 'Because we're friends.' Bert, not walking into the trap, says yes. And Patrice sits next to him all night, almost proud. ^{[1] — Bert Kreischer "While shooting Bert the Conqueror in San Antonio, Bert learned that Patrice O'Neal had publicly tweeted his pride in Bert's success. The tw…" 45:56 Play} The confirmation of friendship comes later: while shooting Bert the Conqueror in San Antonio, a producer rushes in to show Bert a tweet. Patrice has publicly called Bert 'a real G in the game of comedy' and expressed pride in his success. It was so unlike Patrice that Bert knew immediately it was genuine. Six months later, Patrice had a stroke.

Bert has clearly thought about this. Rob Lowe is a non-negotiable must. John Stamos. Dax Shepard. Joe Rogan — if Joe doesn't show, Bert instructs his audience to attack him online for the rest of his life. Adam Sandler can send a video, and actually that might be better. ^{[1] — Bert Kreischer "Bert has a strict funeral guest list: Rob Lowe is a must, Sandler can send a video, Joe Rogan must come or face online attacks forever, and…" 51:40 Play} Bert texts Nikki Glaser live on air to warn her she is expected. He would attend Sebastian Maniscalco's funeral (Italian, kiss cheese, he would do an amazing job expressing condolences), Tim Dillon's (the catering will be incredible), and Ari Shaffir's — largely because he wants to witness the collision of the comedy world with Ari's hardcore Brooklyn family members who have no idea who any of these people are. He would not go to Kevin Hart's, which would be inconvenient and massive. Tom's list is shorter: Joe Rogan, Mark Norman (because New Orleans beignets), Chris DeStefano (bring gay escorts, pull your dick out, that's what Chris would want).

Nick Kroll comes up — Bert thinks Nick would come to his funeral, Tom thinks Nick would only show if lunch didn't run long that day. Then Bert gets to Andrew Schultz. He doesn't want the apology while he's alive. They're fine now. But at the funeral — after Bert's gone — he wants Schultz to approach Leanne privately and say he's sorry about the balloon clown thing, that he knows Bert held onto it his entire life and died with a chip on his shoulder about it. ^{[1] — Bert Kreischer "Bert wants one specific thing at his funeral: Andrew Schultz approaching his wife privately and apologizing for the balloon clown incident,…" 59:25 Play} Tom can't believe the specificity. Bert then connects this to his deeper issue with clowns in general: comedian Zach Amico dresses like a clown as part of his persona, and Bert identifies with Amico but cannot get past the clown costume enough to connect with him. He would leave a Kill Tony show if a clown appeared. He will not get into it further.

Bert announces that Noga Erez, an Israeli singer who appeared on his podcast and was gifted a Por Osos hat, released a music video wearing the hat. He's thrilled and shouts out other artists who've worn their merch: Dwayne Trucks, the Red Clay Strays, Jelly. Then comes the Goose vs. Geese revelation: someone told Bert they liked Geese, and he thought they were just saying Goose wrong. They weren't. There's a whole separate band called Geese, and Bert likes both. ^{[1] — Bert Kreischer "Bert's favorite band is Goose, but he just discovered there's a completely separate band called Geese — and he likes both. He also tags alo…" 1:07:12 Play} He pitches Geese to Tom as more Tom's style. He also tells the story of Mount Joy — Bert tagged them on social media while on tour saying they could come watch Passion of the Christ on the bus after the show; at midnight, the entire band knocked on the door. The segment ends with Bert's rant that there are too many comedians and not enough bands, and that some aspiring comics should just pick up instruments instead.

Bert announces that Noga Erez, an Israeli singer who appeared on his podcast and was gifted a Por Osos hat, released a music video wearing the hat. He's thrilled and shouts out other artists who've worn their merch: Dwayne Trucks, the Red Clay Strays, Jelly. Then comes the Goose vs. Geese revelation: someone told Bert they liked Geese, and he thought they were just saying Goose wrong. They weren't. There's a whole separate band called Geese, and Bert likes both. ^{[1] — Bert Kreischer "Bert's favorite band is Goose, but he just discovered there's a completely separate band called Geese — and he likes both. He also tags alo…" 1:07:12 Play} He pitches Geese to Tom as more Tom's style. He also tells the story of Mount Joy — Bert tagged them on social media while on tour saying they could come watch Passion of the Christ on the bus after the show; at midnight, the entire band knocked on the door. The segment ends with Bert's rant that there are too many comedians and not enough bands, and that some aspiring comics should just pick up instruments instead.

Bert is a fan of director Cory Barker from his comedy sketch work online, and now Barker has made a hit horror film. The numbers are stark: $750,000 to make, $16 million opening weekend. ^{[1] — Bert Kreischer "Director Cory Barker made the horror film Obsession for $750,000 and it opened to $16 million. That ratio is almost impossible in comedy. T…" 1:09:30 Play} Bert asks Tom point-blank — $1 million of your own money: comedy or horror? Tom says horror without hesitation, for two reasons. First, the genre has had a sustained audience surge over the past decade-plus. Second — and more importantly — horror is the only genre where you don't need any recognizable talent attached to get audiences into seats. The story sells itself. That never happens with comedy. Bert agrees he's sold horror pitches faster and easier than any comedy. They also preview Barker's upcoming project, a film about fake ghost hunters who encounter a real ghost — which Bert calls Ghostbusters as a horror movie, which is more or less exactly what it is. The A-Rod documentary is teed up for a future episode.

Bert wraps the episode by flagging that the A-Rod documentary on HBO Max is so fascinating it deserves its own full episode, and suggests they take listener call-in questions about it after everyone watches. Tom agrees. They sign off warmly, and the 2 Bears, 1 Cave theme — 'one goes topless while the other wears a shirt, Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine' — plays the episode out.