Podbit · 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bert has a strict funeral guest list: Rob Lowe is a must, Sandler can send a video, Joe Rogan must come or face online attacks forever, and Ari Shaffir's funeral will be a chaotic collision of comedy world and hardcore Brooklyn family members who have no idea who anyone is. Nikki Glaser gets a Siri text warning she is expected.
Where this was said
At 51:40 · chapter starts 48:31
Bert has clearly thought about this. Rob Lowe is a non-negotiable must. John Stamos. Dax Shepard. Joe Rogan — if Joe doesn't show, Bert instructs his audience to attack him online for the rest of his life. Adam Sandler can send a video, and actually that might be better. [1] — Bert Kreischer "Bert has a strict funeral guest list: Rob Lowe is a must, Sandler can send a video, Joe Rogan must come or face online attacks forever, and…" 51:40 Bert texts Nikki Glaser live on air to warn her she is expected. He would attend Sebastian Maniscalco's funeral (Italian, kiss cheese, he would do an amazing job expressing condolences), Tim Dillon's (the catering will be incredible), and Ari Shaffir's — largely because he wants to witness the collision of the comedy world with Ari's hardcore Brooklyn family members who have no idea who any of these people are. He would not go to Kevin Hart's, which would be inconvenient and massive. Tom's list is shorter: Joe Rogan, Mark Norman (because New Orleans beignets), Chris DeStefano (bring gay escorts, pull your dick out, that's what Chris would want).
A broken pipe turned the Bad Friends studio into a hydrogen sulfide chamber. The crew denied smelling anything — which, as Andrew pointed out, makes their home lives deeply suspicious.
At a childhood sleepover in Sacramento, Bobby Lee's friends drew penises all over his face while he slept. He woke up, cried, and walked 7 miles down a dirt road before Eric Purvis's mom drove out to retrieve him.
On KSI's Make Me Laugh show, Bobby Lee got slapped so hard he fell and briefly blacked out — 5 minutes into the event. The rule was to use a tortilla, but the contestant used his bare hand instead.
What starts as a riff on Amber Alerts turns into an elaborate Speed remake: Bobby is a Hollywood tour guide whose bus shares a route with a kidnapper's identical bus, there's a bomb on board, and Keanu Reeves needs to be called immediately.
Their producer riffs a conspiracy theory about Lindsey Graham's death in Kyiv, which somehow leads to Bobby and Andrew discovering that every lyric of 'A Whole New World' from Aladdin secretly describes 9/11. They are disturbingly convincing.
Bobby Lee woke up Saturday morning to find three children splashing in his pool, along with a professionally hired swimming teacher — all arranged by friends who have keys to his house. His response: 'There's just too much joy here.'
Harold Ramis told a story about Caddyshack's cast doing drugs all day and night during Florida storm delays, with half their pay going to cocaine. Bobby Lee immediately wants to make that exact movie — and offers to relapse to do it.
Robby Hoffman had never heard of 'new towels.' A towel, in her world, was built with the house. When Sarah Silverman announced she'd bought new pool towels, it was a class-gap revelation.
Will Arnett pitched the perfect rich-person home for Robby: seven-hundred-thread-count sheets and brand-new towels — but a tiny, wrecked kitchen with a coil stove, chips, and Sprite. Best of both worlds.
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