Podbit · 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Patrice O'Neal's first words to Bert Kreischer were that Bert bombed so hard he made Patrice bomb after him, and that Bert couldn't even clean the room of his own smell. This wasn't a bit. It was a genuine assessment from a comic who would go on to systematically destroy Bert's feelings for years — and whom Bert would come to love for it.
Where this was said
At 33:54 · chapter starts 33:48
The Patrice stories begin with Shane Gillis's roast sensibility reminding Bert of Patrice. From there, Bert confesses Tom never met Patrice, then launches into total recall. [1] — Bert Kreischer "Patrice O'Neal's first words to Bert Kreischer were that Bert bombed so hard he made Patrice bomb after him, and that Bert couldn't even cl…" 33:54 First encounter: Bert bombs at a club, goes offstage, and Patrice immediately tells him 'you bombed so hard you made me bomb' and that Bert couldn't clean the room of his own smell. It wasn't a roast joke — it was a genuine assessment. Then Bert watched Patrice do the same to Todd Barry: no laughs, no performance, just Patrice telling Todd to his face that he would never panel successfully. [2] — Bert Kreischer "You bombed so hard, you made me bomb. You got it, man. If you're going to bomb like that, you got to do it in different rooms. You couldn't…" 35:10 The Edinburgh setup comes next: they need to tape an audition set at Caroline's for the Fringe Festival application, and right before Bert goes on, Patrice grabs his carefully prepared setlist and rips it in half. His reasoning: Bert's better when he just talks. Bert had an okay set. Not great — but okay. It was enough.
Patrice O'Neal's first words to Bert Kreischer were that Bert bombed so hard he made Patrice bomb too, and that Bert couldn't even clean the room of his smell.
Before their Edinburgh Fringe audition taping at Caroline's comedy club, Patrice O'Neal grabbed Bert Kreischer's setlist and ripped it in half, telling him he was funnier when he just talked.
For 29 days in Edinburgh, Bert Kreischer and Patrice O'Neal lived together — watching Bruce Lee movies, listening to Jay-Z, and Patrice teaching Bert about Mobb Deep while systematically destroying him. Patrice was brutal to everyone around them, no audience required. The cerebral palsy girlfriend stories are staggering.
Bert and Patrice O'Neal lived together for 29 days in Edinburgh during the Fringe Festival, watching Bruce Lee movies and Patrice dismantling Bert's feelings.
After 25 days living together and Bert getting a CBS deal, an FX show, and a Fox development deal simultaneously, Bert told Patrice he was glad they became friends. Patrice told him flatly they were not friends, that he pitied Bert, and that without a foundation every deal he'd just gotten meant nothing. Then he asked if he could stay at Bert's parents' house in Tampa — because they're not friends.
After 25 days living together, Bert said he was glad they became friends, and Patrice told him flatly they were not friends and he pitied Bert for thinking his TV deals meant something.
A broken pipe turned the Bad Friends studio into a hydrogen sulfide chamber. The crew denied smelling anything — which, as Andrew pointed out, makes their home lives deeply suspicious.
At a childhood sleepover in Sacramento, Bobby Lee's friends drew penises all over his face while he slept. He woke up, cried, and walked 7 miles down a dirt road before Eric Purvis's mom drove out to retrieve him.
On KSI's Make Me Laugh show, Bobby Lee got slapped so hard he fell and briefly blacked out — 5 minutes into the event. The rule was to use a tortilla, but the contestant used his bare hand instead.
What starts as a riff on Amber Alerts turns into an elaborate Speed remake: Bobby is a Hollywood tour guide whose bus shares a route with a kidnapper's identical bus, there's a bomb on board, and Keanu Reeves needs to be called immediately.
Their producer riffs a conspiracy theory about Lindsey Graham's death in Kyiv, which somehow leads to Bobby and Andrew discovering that every lyric of 'A Whole New World' from Aladdin secretly describes 9/11. They are disturbingly convincing.
Bobby Lee woke up Saturday morning to find three children splashing in his pool, along with a professionally hired swimming teacher — all arranged by friends who have keys to his house. His response: 'There's just too much joy here.'
Harold Ramis told a story about Caddyshack's cast doing drugs all day and night during Florida storm delays, with half their pay going to cocaine. Bobby Lee immediately wants to make that exact movie — and offers to relapse to do it.
Robby Hoffman had never heard of 'new towels.' A towel, in her world, was built with the house. When Sarah Silverman announced she'd bought new pool towels, it was a class-gap revelation.
Will Arnett pitched the perfect rich-person home for Robby: seven-hundred-thread-count sheets and brand-new towels — but a tiny, wrecked kitchen with a coil stove, chips, and Sprite. Best of both worlds.
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