Quote · Multiamory: Rethinking Modern Relationships
578 - Getting Back Together with an Ex: Great Idea or Terrible Idea?
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Fridge Exes, Trash Exes & the Bacon Parable
At 49:20 · chapter starts 49:00
In the episode's most memorable stretch, Dedeker introduces a taxonomy of exes she finds more useful than 'good or bad relationship': trash exes — obviously done, obviously unhealthy — and fridge exes — relationships in the back of the fridge that you're not sure are still good. [1] — Dedeker Winston "Some exes belong in the trash — obviously bad, obviously done. The dangerous ones are the 'fridge exes': relationships with unresolved pote…" 49:00 The trash ones are easy; it's the fridge exes that create real trouble. She then tells a true story: starving and poor, she smelled a questionable package of bacon, decided it passed every reasonable test, cooked it, and made herself horrifically ill. The metaphor lands with devastating precision: even careful, thorough, therapist-assisted due diligence doesn't guarantee that a revisited relationship won't poison you. [2] — Dedeker Winston "I smelled the bacon, I was like, it smells fine. I looked at the bacon, like, it looks fine... Made myself so sick, like poisoned myself ho…" 50:10 Jace connects the fridge/trash distinction back to the closure discussion — fridge exes are the ones that feel unfinished, and the fridge is where the Zeigarnik effect keeps pulling you. Emily adds the corrective: if you feel depleted or like you have no other options, even a fridge ex will look more appetising than it should. The hosts crystallise the episode's core tool: before reaching for that leftover, make sure you actually want the food — not just that you're starving.
Some exes belong in the trash — obviously bad, obviously done. The dangerous ones are the 'fridge exes': relationships with unresolved potential that seem like they could still be good. Even thorough due diligence doesn't guarantee safety, as Dedeker's bacon poisoning story vividly illustrates.
Before rekindling with an ex, run four checks: write a complete ending to the relationship and see if the desire fades; list three concrete (not abstract) things that have changed; make honest lists of what did and didn't work; and have a 'what would be different' conversation with the actual person. For non-monogamous folks, also define what structural role this person would play in your life going forward.
