Speaker
Dedeker Winston
Appearances over time
1 episodes
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1
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Quotes & moments
Getting back together with an ex isn't a clean reset — there is a 'laundry list' of repair work including processing past pain like having been dumped, meaning the relationship starts slightly in the negative.
Dedeker Winston observed that each on-again/off-again cycle digs the 'security hole' of the relationship a little deeper, compounding attachment instability with every reconciliation and split.
Being openly polyamorous signals continued availability to past partners in a way that monogamy does not, prompting exes to 'come crawling back' based on the assumption of openness.
Rekindling with an ex means taking on a substantial repair job before the relationship can even feel neutral. There's the work of diagnosing what went wrong, but also the raw emotional reality that someone did the dumping — and that wounds don't vanish when you get back together.
The non-monogamous world praises 'transitioning a relationship' but side-eyes 'getting back with an ex' — yet if you follow standard advice to take space after a breakup and then reassess, the result looks identical. The label, not the process, is doing the moral work.
A 2011 Journal of Social Psychology study found that uncertainty about whether a breakup was truly permanent was the top driver of reconciliation attempts. People who weren't sure it was over were significantly more likely to try again — even if the underlying relationship issues hadn't changed.
Some exes belong in the trash — obviously bad, obviously done. The dangerous ones are the 'fridge exes': relationships with unresolved potential that seem like they could still be good. Even thorough due diligence doesn't guarantee safety, as Dedeker's bacon poisoning story vividly illustrates.
Before rekindling with an ex, run four checks: write a complete ending to the relationship and see if the desire fades; list three concrete (not abstract) things that have changed; make honest lists of what did and didn't work; and have a 'what would be different' conversation with the actual person. For non-monogamous folks, also define what structural role this person would play in your life going forward.
College concentrates thousands of similar-aged, similarly-educated people in close proximity with abundant unstructured time — conditions nearly impossible to replicate in adult life. Campus Explorer data shows 28% of married graduates met their spouse at the same college.
The relationship commitment equation weighs positives minus negatives against investment, and then subtracts the perception of alternatives. The same formula explains why browsing LinkedIn makes you want to quit your job — and why a dwindling dating pool makes an ex's stock mysteriously rise.
Roughly a third of people attempt to get back with an ex, but only around 15% of all couples who reconcile actually stay together. The numbers that claim it's a coin toss come from a self-selected website audience — which may inflate the optimism considerably.
A 2009 qualitative study found that people often went back to exes not because the relationship had improved, but because new dating experiences were simply disappointing by comparison. It's settling upward from a bad situation, not choosing the right person.
Soviet psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik found that people remember incomplete tasks in sharp detail until they're finished — then forget them instantly. Ambiguous breakups trigger the same loop, making you chase closure rather than the actual person.
In non-monogamy, the clean break that monogamous culture assumes after a relationship ends often doesn't exist. You may still share a polycule, a community, or even ongoing intimacy with an ex — making the 'ex' category fundamentally different from its monogamous equivalent.
A 2009 University of Texas study of 445 college students found that people in on-again/off-again relationships reported significantly less love, stability, and understanding than those in consistently stable relationships. The cycle itself — not just the incompatibility — seems to corrode connection.
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