Quote · Multiamory: Rethinking Modern Relationships
578 - Getting Back Together with an Ex: Great Idea or Terrible Idea?
Where this was said
Non-Monogamy & the Ex: A Different Calculus
At 45:06 · chapter starts 40:07
Emily opens the non-monogamy segment by noting that monogamous friends often never see an ex again, while in non-monogamous communities an ex may remain embedded in a shared polycule, community events, or even ongoing consensual intimacy under a different relational label. [1] — Emily Matlack "In non-monogamy, the clean break that monogamous culture assumes after a relationship ends often doesn't exist. You may still share a polyc…" 40:07 Dedeker reflects that she has been fortunate — exes she doesn't want to see are largely disconnected from her current networks, while exes still in her orbit tend to be ones she has genuinely reconciled with and is happy to see flourishing with new partners. But she notes the more cynical pattern: being openly polyamorous creates a sheen of perpetual availability, causing past partners to reappear — sometimes under the guise of 'asking about non-monogamy' for themselves and their spouse. Jace observes that in monogamy, a partnered person is essentially off-limits, creating a frantic window when someone becomes newly single. In non-monogamy, that window never fully closes — it may be mostly shut ('polysaturated, but there's a crack'), but it rarely disappears entirely. This shifts the dynamic for exes considering a return.
In non-monogamy, the clean break that monogamous culture assumes after a relationship ends often doesn't exist. You may still share a polycule, a community, or even ongoing intimacy with an ex — making the 'ex' category fundamentally different from its monogamous equivalent.
Being openly polyamorous signals continued availability to past partners in a way that monogamy does not, prompting exes to 'come crawling back' based on the assumption of openness.
