Where this was said
Mercedes Hesselroth: Mirror in the Pandemic
At 19:33 · chapter starts 16:55
Mercedes Hesselroth describes herself as chronically shy, reserved, and possessed of a self-esteem so low that her mother gave her a bookmark at age seven with '10 ways to develop self-esteem.' She chased gold stars and external validation her whole life — the one exception being her grandfather, her Tata, who never needed her to prove anything. When her grandmother, La Mama, died unexpectedly in 2019 after 72 years of marriage, [1] — Mercedes Hesselroth "Tata married 72 years: Mercedes Hesselroth's grandparents had been together for 72 years before her grandmother's unexpected death in 2019." 18:25 the family rallied. Her Tata, patriotic and proud, resisted coming to America but eventually relented. On March 12, 2020, Mercedes boarded a plane to celebrate his 90th birthday — and the world shut down around her. Her one-week trip became six weeks as primary caregiver and companion during COVID lockdown, whispering affirmations in her Tata's ear that he, like her, refused to believe. The crisis point comes when she fires back at his deflection — 'well, if you're a fish, I'm a cow' — only to have to repeat it louder and louder due to his failing hearing aids, feeling the self-insult sink deeper each time. Her mother's blunt response to her tearful phone call — 'well, now you know how I feel' — cracks the mirror open. She finally sees that the love she was fighting to give her grandfather was exactly the love others had always been fighting to give her.
Mercedes Hesselroth flew to Texas for her grandfather's 90th birthday and ended up trapped there for six weeks as the pandemic grounded all flights. As she administered his medication and whispered affirmations to a man who wouldn't believe them, she realized she had never believed them about herself either.
Mercedes Hesselroth's grandparents had been together for 72 years before her grandmother's unexpected death in 2019.
Mercedes Hesselroth was visiting Texas to celebrate her grandfather's 90th birthday when the COVID pandemic locked down New York City and extended her stay.
What was meant to be a week-long visit for her Tata's 90th birthday became a six-week stay for Mercedes when COVID lockdowns grounded all air travel.
When Mercedes Hesselroth snapped back at her grandfather's self-deprecation with 'Well, if you're a fish, I'm a cow,' he couldn't hear her. So she had to say it louder. And louder. Each repetition drove the insult deeper. It was the first time her chronic inner self-abuse had come out of her mouth.
Mercedes Hesselroth realized the depth of her negative self-talk when she called herself a cow out loud to her hard-of-hearing grandfather, and had to repeat it louder each time.
