Speaker
Stephanie Rigg
Appearances over time
1 episodes
Episodes
1
Podcasts
Quotes & moments
Feeling grief and longing after a breakup is universal and expected, even when the relationship was unhealthy — so missing someone alone is never sufficient justification for reconciliation.
After a breakup, daily relationship hardships fade from memory while longing for the good moments intensifies, creating a distorted, overly positive view of the past relationship.
Breakup grief is emotional and biological — rooted in the attachment system — so even leaving a clearly dysfunctional relationship can feel worse than staying in it.
Dreading single life or feeling demoralised by dating again is not a sound basis for rekindling; it reflects scarcity thinking rather than genuine desire for the relationship.
If an avoidant partner re-initiates contact without acknowledging what went wrong or explaining what will change, reuniting is likely to repeat the same painful cycle.
Repeatedly breaking up and getting back together creates a deeply imbalanced power dynamic in which the more anxiously attached partner becomes progressively smaller and more compliant.
Before reconciling, both partners must have frank discussions about how each contributed to the relationship's breakdown and what specific changes they will commit to.
Having insight into relationship problems is necessary but insufficient; couples also need a concrete action plan and mutual commitments to prevent relapsing into old patterns.
Couples who reunite without a clear plan experience a brief honeymoon euphoria before slipping back into the exact same problematic dynamics that caused the original breakup.
Reuniting after a substantial period of separation — six months, a year, or more — with genuine personal growth on both sides is one of the better reasons to consider getting back together.
Mourning the future you won't have with an ex — lost plans, rituals, and shared dreams — can be as devastating or more so than grieving the relationship itself.
People with anxious attachment patterns are hit harder by breakups because so much of their identity, energy, and daily focus was already centred on preserving the relationship.
Once you're out of the relationship, the daily friction and pressure disappear — but so does your accurate memory of how bad things were. What's left is a highlight reel of the good times, which creates a dangerously rosy picture of what you're actually going back to.
Each cycle of breaking up and getting back together in an anxious-avoidant relationship makes the anxious partner a little smaller. They stop voicing needs, walk on eggshells, and contort themselves to avoid triggering another exit — until there's barely any self left.
Missing someone after a breakup is biologically inevitable and happens even after the most toxic relationships. Using that longing as your reason to reconcile means none of the underlying problems have been addressed — you're just numbing the discomfort.
The reason leaving a bad relationship can feel worse than staying in it has nothing to do with whether you made the right call. The attachment system doesn't distinguish between healthy and unhealthy bonds — it just registers loss, and that pain is real regardless of the relationship's quality.
When an avoidant partner reappears wanting to sweep things under the rug without any acknowledgment of what they did or why it happened, the relationship hasn't changed — only the distance has. Going back under those conditions almost guarantees a repeat of the exact same cycle.
For anxiously attached people, the relationship was already the gravitational centre of daily life — their identity, energy, and purpose all orbited it. Losing that doesn't just mean losing a person; it means losing a sense of self, which is why the grief hits so much harder.
Getting back with an ex because you're demoralised by dating, or scared of being alone, isn't a romantic reunion — it's scarcity thinking. It's unfair to your ex and dishonest to yourself, and it's unlikely to create the relationship you actually want.
A reunion that follows six months, a year, or more of genuine individual growth — where both people have sorted themselves out and circumstances have changed — is one of the few situations where getting back together has a real chance. The emotional charge of the old dynamic has faded enough to start fresh.
Before reconciling, two things are non-negotiable: an honest conversation where both partners acknowledge their specific contribution to the breakdown, and a concrete plan — not just intentions — for how things will actually be different this time.
Many couples in reconciliation talks fall into an endless processing loop — circling the same wounds over and over until they burn out without ever producing an actual plan. Insight without a behavioural commitment is just an expensive therapy session that changes nothing.
Stephanie Rigg frames today's episode as a guide for the emotionally confusing situation of considering getting back with an ex. Rather than jumping straight to tips, she acknowledges the emotional overwhelm first — because without that, any advice would ring hollow.
Analysis
What they talk about
- Society & Culture 82%
- Health & Fitness 18%
