Podbit · 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Faced with a Vietnam-level mob outside the national championship game, Tom Segura handed two strangers in blue coats $300 each to escort him and Bert through the crowd. It worked perfectly — right up until a white woman accused them of exploiting the kids because of their race, and the kids immediately peaced out.
Where this was said
At 1:01:00 · chapter starts 47:30
With his phone's algorithm now entirely colonized by sobriety content, Bert launches into a sustained, funny rant against sobriety influencer culture. He singles out the 300-day-sober guy who clears a million dollars a year selling his story, and the reformed addict who credits God and church while Bert argues they're still one relapse away from their old habits. [1] — Bert Kreischer "Every algorithm has been feeding Bert sobriety content since his blood clot — and he's had enough. The guy with 300 sober days who clears a…" 53:00 The philosophical core of the rant: the number of sober days is itself a trap — he recounts a conversation with a man 375 days sober who told Bert the number was 'fucking him up.' Tom draws a parallel to Duolingo streaks, which he maintained for four years before deliberately walking away. Bert then makes a case for low-dose cannabis as an incremental-consumption alternative to alcohol, but concludes that the irreplaceable social magic of drinking is the ritual of incremental ordering — 'do you want another one?' — which edibles can never replicate.
Bert Kreischer got a blood clot in his leg that traveled to his lungs, forcing him onto blood thinners and off alcohol for 6 months.
Bert Kreischer's late friend Carl had a ritual at the airport Admiral's Club: he'd hand Bert a White Russian in a coffee mug so it looked like Bert was sipping coffee on the plane. This was after a morning that started with a 64-ounce vodka soda in the car service. Old-school, unfiltered drinking culture at its peak.
After 3 months of sobriety, Bert Kreischer reported his liver enzyme numbers dropped from the high 30s-40s range down to the 18-20 range.
Bert's liver and blood pressure are better than they've been in years after 3 months sober — and he cannot wait to wreck them again on July 12th. His theory: no one has a legacy, life is a cash grab, and the sobriety influencers claiming otherwise are just monetizing their own weakness.
Every algorithm has been feeding Bert sobriety content since his blood clot — and he's had enough. The guy with 300 sober days who clears a million dollars a year selling his story, the reformed addict who's one bump away from relapse but has found God: Bert argues neither has actually fixed anything, they've just repackaged the problem.
The social magic of alcohol is the imbibing ritual — 'do you want another one?' You can't replicate that with a 10mg edible and a two-hour wait. Bert wants someone to make 1mg weed the same way alcohol exists in 5% ABV, so the social loop of drinking-but-going-again is preserved.
A broken pipe turned the Bad Friends studio into a hydrogen sulfide chamber. The crew denied smelling anything — which, as Andrew pointed out, makes their home lives deeply suspicious.
At a childhood sleepover in Sacramento, Bobby Lee's friends drew penises all over his face while he slept. He woke up, cried, and walked 7 miles down a dirt road before Eric Purvis's mom drove out to retrieve him.
On KSI's Make Me Laugh show, Bobby Lee got slapped so hard he fell and briefly blacked out — 5 minutes into the event. The rule was to use a tortilla, but the contestant used his bare hand instead.
What starts as a riff on Amber Alerts turns into an elaborate Speed remake: Bobby is a Hollywood tour guide whose bus shares a route with a kidnapper's identical bus, there's a bomb on board, and Keanu Reeves needs to be called immediately.
Their producer riffs a conspiracy theory about Lindsey Graham's death in Kyiv, which somehow leads to Bobby and Andrew discovering that every lyric of 'A Whole New World' from Aladdin secretly describes 9/11. They are disturbingly convincing.
Bobby Lee woke up Saturday morning to find three children splashing in his pool, along with a professionally hired swimming teacher — all arranged by friends who have keys to his house. His response: 'There's just too much joy here.'
Harold Ramis told a story about Caddyshack's cast doing drugs all day and night during Florida storm delays, with half their pay going to cocaine. Bobby Lee immediately wants to make that exact movie — and offers to relapse to do it.
Robby Hoffman had never heard of 'new towels.' A towel, in her world, was built with the house. When Sarah Silverman announced she'd bought new pool towels, it was a class-gap revelation.
Will Arnett pitched the perfect rich-person home for Robby: seven-hundred-thread-count sheets and brand-new towels — but a tiny, wrecked kitchen with a coil stove, chips, and Sprite. Best of both worlds.
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